This is the month of May!! The month of my birth and this month will be 10 years since I have been single. I separated from my husband in May 2009. At the time I didn’t get the gist of what that meant. I just knew that it was time to take control over my life or it would be one miserable year after the other. I’m not here to bash my ex-husband. Believe it or not I wish him all the happiness! He is re-married and I hope that she is everything he needs and I hope that he is the man she needs! I carry no bitter taste in my mouth from him, but marriage, well let’s just say me and marriage have an understanding of sorts.. I won’t look for it and it won’t look for me!
But I digress…. as I said it has been 10 years of being on my own. Now as I explain to people just because I was single doesn’t mean I’ve been “single” as in a single being in sexual gratification. I am no angel! I’ve been on my own for so long, I can’t even imagine being with another person for more than a couple of hours… well the couple of hours it takes to get the groove going and to it’s peak! I have been able to fully grow into my introverted self and realize that I can only do a couple of hours of being with others… which family doesn’t count and really close friends… just people in general. So how am I supposed to let myself get close to another person who isn’t family or a close friend and be ok with the result of opening myself up? I know what people are going to say. “The only way you’ll know is if you do it.” “Don’t be afraid to open your heart.” “Don’t let fear keep you from finding someone who loves you” …. blah blah blah…..And really it’s good advice, but who am I kidding… this heart of mine is locked behind concrete ice… yeah it’s that solid!!
And this is why I always shoot my shot for the unattainable or emotional unavailable persons, because I guess I am emotional unavailable in some ways. It’s amazing what you can figure out just by letting your fingers loose on a keyboard. I’m learning about myself as I type these words. It’s not that I don’t want to be emotionally available, it’s just that I’m not sure I know what that means…. I know that when I first talk to a guy…. I get caught up in the should I text him or wait till he text me…but isn’t that playing games… or is it trying to hard… I have no blessed IDEA!!! See what I mean… In a lot of ways I am like a 16 year girl with her first crush and no idea what to do!!! It’s embarrassing……it is! But what can I do but be honest to myself if no one else. I have the freedom to what I want to do…. no matter what I decide, it’s to be my decision. But it would be nice to have a manual that teaches you how to be emotionally available, or how to handle a relationship in the first 10 weeks. But alas there is no book forthcoming…. tell me… how do you all do it? Help your girl out….. 🙂