10……… or the heart made of tin…..

This is the month of May!!  The month of my birth and this month will be 10 years since I have been single.  I separated from my husband in May 2009.  At the time I didn’t get the gist of what that meant.  I just knew that it was time to take control over my life or it would be one miserable year after the other.  I’m not here to bash my ex-husband.  Believe it or not I wish him all the happiness!  He is re-married and I hope that she is everything he needs and I hope that he is the man she needs!  I carry no bitter taste in my mouth from him, but marriage, well let’s just say me and marriage have an understanding of sorts.. I won’t look for it and it won’t look for me!

But I digress…. as I said it has been 10 years of being on my own.  Now as I explain to people just because I was single doesn’t mean I’ve been “single” as in a single being in sexual gratification.  I am no angel!  I’ve been on my own for so long, I can’t even imagine being with another person for more than a couple of hours… well the couple of hours it takes to get the groove going and to it’s peak! I have been able to fully grow into my introverted self and realize that I can only do a couple of hours of being with others… which family doesn’t count and really close friends… just people in general.  So how am I supposed to let myself get close to another person who isn’t family or a close friend and be ok with the result of opening myself up?  I know what people are going to say.  “The only way you’ll know is if you do it.”  “Don’t be afraid to open your heart.”  “Don’t let fear keep you from finding someone who loves you” …. blah blah blah…..And really it’s good advice, but who am I kidding… this heart of mine is locked behind concrete ice… yeah it’s that solid!!

And this is why I always shoot my shot for the unattainable or emotional unavailable persons, because I guess I am emotional unavailable in some ways.  It’s amazing what you can figure out just by letting your fingers loose on a keyboard.  I’m learning about myself as I type these words.  It’s not that I don’t want to be emotionally available, it’s just that I’m not sure I know what that means…. I know that when I first talk to a guy…. I get caught up in the should I text him or wait till he text me…but isn’t that playing games… or is it trying to hard… I have no blessed IDEA!!!  See what I mean… In a lot of ways I am like a 16 year girl with her first crush and no idea what to do!!!  It’s embarrassing……it is!  But what can I do but be honest to myself if no one else.  I have the freedom to what I want to do…. no matter what I decide, it’s to be my decision.  But it would be nice to have a manual that teaches you how to be emotionally available, or how to handle a relationship in the first 10 weeks.  But alas there is no book forthcoming…. tell me… how do you all do it?  Help your girl out….. 🙂

 

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Fish, Chips, and a bit of Guinness stew on the menu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well I’ve gone and done it!!!  On my birthday next year, I will be in another country!!  I will be in Ireland!!  Then on to Wales and then England!!

Can you believe it… I can’t… but I’ve enrolled and there is nothing left to do but GO!

If you know me then you know I love all things British!  I love to watch their TV shows and the accent is absolutely beautiful to me.  And the chance to taste real Irish and English Ale!??!!!!!

It’s a scary and exciting thing!!  I have never been on a plane for longer than 4 hours and now I’m going to the British Isles!!!!!!!!

It is an opportunity I cannot pass up!  I’m single, no children and there is absolutely no reason for me not get out and enjoy life!  I work 7 days a week, but when do I get to enjoy it?  I don’t… so here I am….. about to embark on this trip of a lifetime. I have a year to wait…. but it will be well worth it indeed!!!

05/05/2019 © TNB

Media of the Social………Social is not the Media……….but is it??

I think back to when I was in high school and college.  The most popular thing then was a beeper!!  I still have one of my beepers as a matter of fact.  But I digress, today we have what is called social media.  That’s your Facebook, Instagram Twitter, Tumblr.  These are the avenues for which we discuss the things that make us happy, hurt us, make us angry and brings us joy.  We can’t wait to share a meme that is funny as hell and it may apply to our life and it may not.  But we just want to share it!  When your children have done something cute you share it, when your grandparent does something funny, we share it.  I guess it is a good thing it wasn’t around when I was younger because I would have meme after meme of my mom sleeping while sitting up!!  Because these are the things that make us happy.  Then we he finally says yes, let’s do this… the “in the relationship” statuses start being posted.  When she comes to town and allows you to wine and dine her, the “I love how he loves me” posts begin…..

But when is to much, too much??  We have started using social media for a lot of things.  But when is 5 selfies a day too much?  I am guilty of selfie thing…. especially with Snapchat!  I can’t help it that some of those caricatures are funny and cute!  But it is too much is when it is affecting self esteem if you don’t get enough likes.  When women and men feel like they have to reveal skin in order to get those lost “likes” back.  Or if you feel like your life is not worth anything  because you aren’t constantly sharing good news on social media?  Or if you feel like you have change your “status”  every time you meet someone.  Let me tell you, it’s not worth it.  Life is too precious to worry about what people you don’t know, never met, probably never will meet, has to say to you or about you!

Love and relationships have become something all together different from what it used to be.  From what it used to mean.  It is no longer between two people, it’s between two people and world.  If you love her, awesome, if you adore him, awesome…. but don’t let telling the world be your goal.  Let it be adoring her, loving him.  You don’t have to share every detail of your relationship.  If you want to announce to the world that you are together…. do so, please!  But don’t let social media be the guiding light of your relationship!

white and red led signage with love family laughter text

Let’s go back to using it for what is important.  Conversations with family and friends that are far away from us.  Memes of funny situations in life.  Debates about what is left or right.  Let’s keep posting pictures of family gatherings.  Let’s keep showing the funny videos of our pets.  We cannot let an invisible entity destroy our self esteem and self worth!  Life is too short to allow that!  Allow us to remember what is most important in life and it damn sure isn’t Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or Tumblr!!!!!!

04/23/2019 TNB©

youmaysay

Bodied…..

His mind is like a maze full of twist and turns.  The alleyways are darkened yet filled with light.  I cannot for the life of understand why other don’t see what I see.

The world has polluted our way of thinking saying that different is wrong or made for scorn when it should be glorified when it should be looked at with reverence

only in my interpretation do I feel the need to try and explain him, to try and understand him. but it is impossible and he needs no introduction….

if you cannot sense his aura spilling out of his body then perhaps you are dead to what is real because he is bodied!

03/28/2019 TNB ©

“Innocence Perdue, Innocence Retrouvèe….” (Innocence Lost, Found!)

SO…… I had a conversation with a friend this weekend.  It was deep and personal, so I won’t get into too much detail, but we talked about the effects of molestation of young children and how we move through it as adults.  Yes, I said we.  I was molested at the age of 8 by a cousin.  Not a close one, but it was devastating.  Because before that moment, I was a normal, healthy, outgoing child.  But from that moment, I retreated into myself and never wanted to be that child again.  It took 5 years for me to tell my mom what had happened.

When it happened, I ran out of the room and ran straight to my mother.  But I couldn’t tell her what had happened.  I couldn’t open my mouth to tell her my shame.  I was ashamed and my innocence was lost.  I cannot describe the feeling that went through me as I tried to wrench myself for his grasp.  All in all, it was just touching, but a touching I knew was wrong!  I could not face myself, let alone anyone tell them how he had just killed that little girl and she died right inside of me.  But she wasn’t dead, she was hiding and hiding I continued to let her do so because she was supposed to be protected.  And no I don’ blame my mother or anyone but who the blame belongs to… him and who ever touched him as a child.

Innocence lost is so complicated and easy to understand at the same time.  Food became my comfort.  It became the balm that soothed that wounded child.  And in some ways, I guess it still is.  Because nothing is more comforting then ice cream at 1:30 in the morning!!  And that is the adult me talking… the one who loves ice cream!! LOL!  But I digress.  When something like that happens to a child all of who you were, is killed.  All of who you were supposed to be, is killed.  Unless you can work through it and overcome it.

Have I overcome it, only in slow degrees.  But I have overcome it!!  My life has moved in one direction or another and still that outgoing child has wanted to be free and by working on myself and working with my therapist, she is!!  The intelligent, sarcastic, funny, giving, kind, dependable woman I have become has held out her hand and allowed that child to began to come alive and be who she was meant to be!!

I tell you this not to gain pity for myself or spread gossip, but to help anyone else out there that had their childhood snatched from them in the same way.  You can overcome it.  And as Betty Heck, a woman who helped me tremendously once said, “it is not your shame.  That person who touched you or assaulted you transferred their shame to you, but it is NOT yours to carry!!”  It is not yours lug around!!

So remember, let go of the shame, it is not yours to carry.  That shame is holding that child/teen back from breaking free and being the person they were meant to be, you were meant to be.  My mom believed me, she hurt for me and she was angry.  I don’t know what she said or did but I never saw this person again.  And believe me, I have been grateful for it!  But if I could see him now, I would let him know how what he did, almost destroyed me.  But it did not!!  God, my mother, and my family would not let that happen!!  So again I say, let go of that shame…. it is not yours to carry!!

03/18/2019 TNB©

Soul…… It is well within………

Where to start, I know not.  But I will tell you this, it is coming from deep inside.  My emotions have never let me down, well maybe once.  But I cannot say for sure if it was even my fault.  I’ve known many people in my life and some of them have been great friends, lovers, evil influences, my peace, and even my fear.  But I know not what to call this one.  My greatest confusion?  Yes, that sounds about right.  He told me he loved me, that he was in love with me and then before I knew what was on the next page, he vanished.  This friend, this lover this person who I thought really knew me.  But did he really know me or was I fooled as I have been before?

See when I thought my emotions had never let me down, I didn’t really know what that meant until I experienced it again.  That lost feeling of total abandonment.  But I wasn’t abandoned I don’t think, just finally put in my place, at least in his mind.  But do not feel sorry for me, for I don’t.  I know my person, my energy, the essence of me is going to be a great reward to who is worthy of it.  And until he presents himself to me, this energy will continue to do great works for others.

Life has a funny way of revealing everything.  And although we may not like the plate it is presented on, it will still be for us!  Life is a beautiful and tragic thing.  But not so tragic that there isn’t space to have something that is beauty in its essence.  Changes, of residence, change of love, change of people.  All this flows through continually.  Our soul ultimately wants to be at peace and I hope his is at peace finally.  For all is well within my soul……..

03/13/2019 TNB@

 

Plump, Phat, or just Fat, I am all these things…..but wait……

I am fat!  I’ve always been fat.  There is nothing wrong in saying the truth.  Even when it hurts.  But this doesn’t hurt. It’s just truth!  There are many like me who know what they look like.  Who feel the weight of extra skin and fat.  But we are still people, regardless.  My main reason in bringing this up is not to get sympathy or get dieting and workout tips, it’s to tell my truth.

Though I am overweight, I hate exercising.  Or rather I hate cardio, yes that’s better.  I love working with weights.  But is that enough?  Probably not.  But they say we should do what we love right.  But these days I can’t even get to do that.  I started out strong a few months ago.  I was going to the gym at first light.  Well it was even before first light…. it was 4:30am in the morning!!!!  But I was doing it because I had some motivation come from God knows where.  And throughout the day I felt better because I was actually giving a damn about my health.  But then…. I got sick…chest cold and sinus infection and BOOM goes the dynamite that blew up my routine to hell!  And it has been hell getting back to it!  I haven’t had the motivation or the will to get up.  And I definitely don’t want to go when I get home.  Because when I get home, I like to be home, never to leave again that day.

But alas something has to give right?  So a friend introduced me to Stitcher, an app that has podcast of all kinds.  I started listening to one called Motivated hosted by Mara Schiavocampo.  She is a news correspondent with ABC.  She was struggling with her weight and has now lost X amount of pounds and her show helps cast a light on dieting, routine, exercise and just general health.  I listened to a show yesterday and it really started me to thinking.  I can do this…. but I don’t have to do it all in one day!!  The trainer she had on there Noah Neiman said quite a few things that resonated with me.

First, your routine doesn’t have to be a routine at all.  Just do SOMETHING!!!  Just get out and walk, lift weights, squat, doesn’t matter as long as you do something!  Secondly, food is not your enemy!  It is not something that you have to punish yourself with.  As in the 1000 calorie a day diet…. you can’t subsist on that alone.  So don’t punish yourself by not eating, just choose to eat different.  Third, he talked about people who are out there just to make money that take a dieting and exercise one size fit all approach and it is not true!! We are all different and we all require different things to give us energy, motivation, and dedication. So anyone who tells you he or she has the secret to make you thin…. is lying and just wants to get paid with your ends!!!

So in conclusion to this long diatribe I say to myself and you all who struggle with food, exercising, and just trying to get healthy, It can be done, by all of us.  But what may work for you, may not work for me or my neighbor.  You have to find what works for you and you alone and build off of it!!  For example, I LOVE my coffee and I love for it to be the color I am which means lots of cream and it better be hazelnut!  Which has sugar…. and don’t forget the two spoons of pure sugar.  That, is my coffee addiction.  But I’ve decided to do something different.  I have two 8oz bottles left of creamer…. and I intend to use them because I spent my money, but not as I usually do.  A couple of days a week only and very little.  But it’s a change!  So I’m committed to do it!!  Sometimes we have to take a one hour at a time mind set and just use it to make whatever changes you need however small or slow!  BUT …..remember to JUST DO SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12/13/2018 TNB©

Blocked…….. Botched……..or just stop?

I want to write.  But I cannot write.  That is difficult for me to say.  I coin myself a writer, but I cannot write.  Is there a block or is there an end?  This cannot be the end, of course it’s not.  But I cannot write.  What I want to say is not free flowing as usual.  Is it writer’s block or am I not really a writer?  But I want to write.  That is all it takes to be a writer is it not?  Or does there have to be a significant piece that passes you on to the great and beyond of a career writer?  If so I have never found that piece.  Or have I and to afraid to let it fly for fear of not hearing that I am a writer.  My soul longs to produce this peace, this piece of heaven that allows all my talent to rise to the crest… but yet, I cannot write.

What is this feeling of fullness, full of words, yet nothing makes sense, even to me.  But of course, I don’t want it to drain out of me and not on paper.  But I don’t know what else to think. Is this the end of this writer, me, not you.  But is there no end to the ways we can create what we want to say in a slew of words in different order?  But at then end of this I say, I want to write, but I cannot write.  This strangles my creativity, it hurts me from the inside.  But until I can set the illusion from my mind, I must write…… But I cannot…… Right?

10/23/2018 TNB©

Forgive thyself…… Must We?

This morning on my way in to work, I was feeling a bit melancholy.  Not sure why.  I was Ok when I woke up.  But when I settled down in the car, my emotions shifted.  I began to think and trying to figure it out.  But then I started talking God.  I do that sometimes when I’m in the car.  Just that quiet time that I need to talk.  But the first thing that came to mind was forgiveness.  I asked God to forgive me for all the things I’ve done that was not pleasing to him.  And believe it or not, the list is long.  Even thoughts can be added to the list.  I’ve done things to other people, maybe not directly to them, but my actions could affect them.  And for that I am sorry.  I just wanted that time to ask God to cleanse me of those deeds and thoughts.  It may not be as detrimental as murder, but some thoughts don’t have to be of actually hurting someone physically.  You can hurt them by your interactions with someone in their lives.

Yes, a particular situation comes to mind.  When someone I thought was once my possession secretly walked away, I was fooled into thinking he was mine first.  But he was never really mine.  But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t take advantage of that thought and for that I ask for forgiveness.  For the words that came through my mind as I heard the voice of a someone I once thought was a friend, I ask for forgiveness.  For my thoughts were of violence and I am not a violent person.  But if I had given into the impulses that raced through my mind, what the result would have been, scares me.  So again, I ask for forgiveness.

I am not perfect, never have been, never will be.  My thoughts are not perfect and neither are my actions.  I try to be a good person daily, but even that slips.  I try to love everyone, even mine enemies.  But that gets tough.  Sometimes I just want to rail at the world and give it the big middle finger.  But that is not who I am or who I wish to be, but some days, I think it would be nice not to give a shit!  But that’s not who I am.  Most people don’t know who they really are.  Do you?  I do know that I am not one to brag or boast, and if I ever have, I ask for forgiveness.

You see the thing is, we have to ask for forgiveness and be forgiven, before we can forgive others.  We have to forgive ourselves for making that wrong choice, or thinking in the wrong direction.  I cannot forgive you if I cannot forgive myself.  Otherwise, it is just false emotions going around in a circle of shadows.  So tell me, what do you need to be forgiven for?

10/03/2018 TNB©