Introducing …Me…. The Mist…………

Is this what you envision your life would be?  Is the day to day activity from which you stroll through what you thought your mission would be?  If you ever thought about those days of old when you used to dream of your life’s work, did it look like this today?  Or did you have dreams that you’ve yet to reach?  That’s the beauty of dreams.  They are there to give you something to strive for.  So that you never become stagnant in the droll of life.  But don’t we get stuck sometimes?  Do you not wish to be immovable so much so that you stick yourself to something or in most cases someone that renders you STUCK!?  But only you can move your limbs only you can walk away.  But you’re scared, I get it.  Scared to move forward, afraid of staying put.  So how do you wish to proceed?

Oh no, you cannot ask for help or should you?  Or should you just tarry along alone? Thinking back to those dreams, you were not alone.  You were with your soul’s other half.  It was glorious in it’s synchronicity.  How you blended into one.  But then you open your eyes and you find yourself in a dream, or is it a nightmare…. where you find you are living the dream one nightmare at a time?  Where you lose what you love, you find another… and it too is gone.  So do you move to thrice or do you just slide into the mist of life and make your day to day so uniform that one day melds into the other…. that you no longer see color only numbers of the clock that drift from one midnight to another from one Friday night to Sunday mornings.

Marking time through the days of getting up at 5am to getting home at 9:30pm…. so long to the carefree spirit that roamed the weekends like a shadow passing through the windows of celebration.  Now the shadow, just a mist that slides in and out of time day to day.  But what solidifies the mist, another gaping hole that needs to be filed.  Only following those long ago lost dreams will allow you to fully form to the person that you were meant to be….. It’s time to make your mission your final curtain call.  For the music is playing softly waiting for your entrance…………………

07/15/2018 ©TNB

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Committed…Burned at the stake…. I think not, it’s just Mental Health….take note!

There was a time, when I let no one in.  I kept all my problems and idiosyncrasies to myself.  If I was scared of something or anxious, I told no one.  If my anger threatened to take over my good sense, I held it in.  With worry over my bills and how I would pay them or even eat the next week, I did not tell a soul!  And in the end, it was my undoing.  A panic attack that felt the size of the universe descended upon me and covered me until I crumbled under the weight of it.

Crumbled completely… utterly undone!  I could not be in my own apartment by myself, I felt claustrophobic in my car, just being in my office felt like the walls were closing in on me.  And eating… if I did eat it was once a day and in some cases once every two days.  But then I was folded into my family and really learned what leaning on someone meant.  Plus… I took my downtrodden, anxiety-ridden, closed up ass off to therapy!!  And it was the BEST thing I could have ever done for myself.

Therapy… Counseling….. Talk to a Shrink….. Seeing a Psychiatrist…. there are many words for what people consider “getting help”  We as a society have frowned upon anything related to mental health.  Think about back in the 1700-1800’s…. If you had any issues with mental health, you were either committed or burned.  The thing is, don’t we still act that way toward people who have mental health issues?  Without knowing where it stems from, we judge and make them feel as though something is grossly wrong with them.  But the truth is, we all have some form of mental illness.  We may not have it as deeply as some, but tell the truth… are you happy every hour of every day? Do you have times when you feel out of control of a situation?  Are there times when your anger threatens to overtake your common sense?

Think really hard on those last three questions.  Would you ever think that you could be diagnosed with anxiety, depression or bipolar disorder…probably not.  And just because you answers those questions does not mean that have a diagnosis.  But just think of those feelings intensified… how could you cope?  Now let me make the distinction, a psychiatrist is someone who can prescribe medication.  A counselor/therapist, is who will delve deep into the issues and allow you time to speak and learn your truth.  There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with admitting you cannot do it alone!  We have made it seems as though admitting you need help or you have mental/emotional issues, makes you less of a person.  IT DOES NOT!!!  Find someone to talk to so you can sort through all those emotions!  It doesn’t make you less of a person to admit you need help, I think it is the opposite… it takes strength to admit you cannot do it alone….. now… think about that for a sec!!!

06/27/2018 © TNB

 

What are you willing to give………

I heard this song last week called “It takes a lot to know a man” by an Irish artist named Damien Rice.  When I first heard it, I thought wow, this guy gets it!!  It’s not just about what it takes to understand a man, but also to understand a woman.  The chorus lets you know what is feels like to be totally and utterly devoted to knowing what it’s like to get to know another person.  At least that is how I interpret it.  You tell me ….  “It takes a lot to give, to ask for help, to be yourself to know and love and what you live with.  It takes a lot to breath, to touch, to feel the slow the reveal of what another body needs.”  This sounds so difficult, yet so simple.  The basis of any relationship is honesty and truth.  Even if things are not perfect, we have to be willing to be completely transparent with each other.

There are many facets of a man.  The father, son, warrior, hunter, little boy.  It takes time to know each and every part.  When we meet someone, we rush sometimes either trying to get to sex or to be able to let others know that we finally have a “friend!” Whatever the reason is, don’t let it distract you from the layers of a man.  Don’t let it ruin the puzzle that is the sage, the man you may learn has wisdom and knowledge you need.  To learn that he not only compliments you, but adores and treasures you.  Don’t let it ruin the future with a man who will open his heart and emotions to you.

But it’s the same for us.  It takes a lot to know a woman as Damien says the mother, the child, the honeybee that stings, the little girl with wings!  Men say that it is the hardest thing to know what a woman wants. But it really isn’t that hard.  We want and need you to listen, to spend time, to give that undivided attention.  A woman treated like a treasure will be able to stand beside you and even behind you when you need someone to lean on.  We have dreams that we want to share with you, dreams that we need to share.  But only if you really want to know and not just for show to get a piece of ass and then you’re poof…. gone like the wind.

The bottom line is that unless you are really ready to do what it takes to really get to know someone, it’s best to just cruise for one nighters or just stay home until you’re ready.  There are a lot of people out there getting hurt because honesty has gone astray.  How difficult is it to be honest?  Open your mind, open your heart to what is out there…. don’t be afraid to get to know the hunter, the muse.

****Special Credit to Damien Rice and  his song “It takes a lot to know a woman”****

04/03/2018 TNB©

Black Woman……

Excuse me for a moment while I be myself… while I make this blog about me and those like me… I mean those with brown skin.. whether you call it black, chocolate, caramel or any other euphemism you can come up with, this is about US!  Black women we are beautiful and we are strong.  There’s no need to hide that strength because other people are threatened by it.  Why hide the very thing that keeps you walking up right?  So what others may think you feel you know it all, so what they feel like you know more than they do, so what if they can’t understand where you’re coming from.  All that matters is that you understand.

All that matters is that you keep walking with your head up!  There have been many times in our lives that the enemy has come to kill, steal, and destroy, but that strength you carry in your heart and your soul would not allow it to happen.  That man or boy that came into your life and destroyed your trust.  He took everything you gave and left you little in return.  Or he may have left  son or daughter with his eyes, a child for you to raise on your own and teach about life.  It’s unfortunate, but as a woman you know what must me done.  In your veins is the blood of black women from decades ago that took care of her children and those in the big house.  You know the big house of which I speak.  When Mrs. lady of the house was too worn out from sitting all day in the cool air, Ms. Sara had to cook dinner, feed the children, breastfeed a child that wasn’t hers, and make sure Mrs. lady had her food on the table.  That’s the blood that’s running through your veins.  So when you’re tired as we all get sometimes, remember Ms. Sara and the strength she had to tarry on.

And beauty, why must we have to live up to what society says is beautiful.  Each and every one of us are unique.  We have face structure, cheek bones, lips, eyes that are all different.  So why can’t ours be beautiful?  According to some people black women look to manly, we are too fat, and cannot stand up to the standards of beauty.  I call bullshit!!  And please don’t take that for anger, what it is, is wonder.  Wonder at how people can miss it?  Can’t see the forest for the trees type thing.  Our skin can be the color of smooth chocolate, dark chocolate, caramel, sweet, sun-kissed they call it.  I don’t know about you but sometimes I stare in awe at some of the black women I know who are gorgeous just by waking up in the morning.

If what you’ve read has made you angry, or feel left out then what I type is not for you.  This is not a story to bring the feel goods to everyone who reads my blog.  This is not up for debate.  Black Woman you are beautiful and Strong.  Never let someones insecurity make you doubt that from whence you came.  I know that white and other races of people will read this blog.  Or at least I hope they do, but what I want them to take from it is not the feeling of being left out, but one of understanding.  Black women get criticized for just being black.  Read this and understand that an internal strength is built in us, its not something we can just stop being.  A presence of Ms. Sara will always be present in us, don’t try to hide it Beautiful Black Woman, wear it with a regal baring!  Hold… Your… Head…. High!

03/12/2018 © TNB

Love Me Tinder – When People Realize That There is a REAL Person, with REAL Feelings, Behind the Screen

Life and Dreams of An Unchained Heart

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How do you feel when you are ghosted? Why do you ghost people? The simple answer I have learned about this is: FEAR – Fear of telling someone why you no longer want to date them. In the age of online dating, these acts of cowardice have become so acceptable in our culture, that’s its just downright scary.

I am of a different generation. I think it’s Generation Y, and sometimes I think it’s totally fitting because I often think, “Y the Hell was I even born?” But that’s a whole other story in itself. Dating when I was younger was very much like what Drew Barrymore describes in the amazing movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” (2009). Her character in the movie really has a hard time navigating through the whole world of Online Dating. She says, (and I believe most of us can identify with this), “If…

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Free Flowing …….

The forest is barren devoid of leave, branches, and green.  Some would call it barren, some would all it empty, but I call it me.  There are trees that has kept it’s green color, it’s lushness, as there are parts of me that have kept my lust for life, my need to help all I can.  But what about the part that lies dormant?  Is there more to me than the here and now.  Of that I am not sure.

The essence of who we are is not of our own making.  There is nurture vs nature, there is familial ties that bind.  But in the end we become who we are because of our own will.  Is that will strong enough to continue through this life alone?  Am I willing to continue down this path, towards enlightenment, but one that comes at a price?

They say man is not made to live on bread alone, but what if bread is all he can muster?  The want for more is there, but the heart can only take so much before it completely breaks.  Before it erects itself in a shell of concrete.  To hard to break, too hard to penetrate.

Life is not for the hard and barren, it is for the light-filled lightness that keeps up afloat in the memory of love and who made us feel it.  We want that feeling always.  We want to enclose it into ourselves so that it burns and keeps us in the now, keep us grounded in what is real.

But is true love real?  Is it something we can truly hold onto, or does that flame eventually die?  Can someone please tell me, help me to understand what binds our hearts so tight to another that we feel as if our life has been snuffed out when they have turned and walked away.  If you have found your soul in another being, help me to understand how it came about and how you’ve made it last.

Or maybe for some it isn’t to last.  It’s just a feeling, a spirit, a caress of something beautiful to hold in our memories so that we can have that one story of love, that one mystical feeling inside of our being………  Once again it’s the forest of barren trees.  But you know that the spring eventually comes and it is once again lush with green and with life……..  so hold on….. that feeling is coming again…..don’t rush it…… For the perfect rose was not formed in a day…….

©TNB 03/01/2018

 

To tired to continue, just “Imagine Dragons”!!

Imagine Dragons are my new favorite group!!  I have been obsessed with a couple of their songs and it leads me to obsess about the lead singer Dan Reynolds.  Dan apparently grew up in a Mormon environment.  He has since broken free from what was said to be a controlling house hold and become a part of of one of the hottest groups out today.  The first thing I noticed about my favorite songs is that they seem to tell his story and give you the permission and tools to be GREAT!  Radioactive was my first taste of the group…..and I’ve not looked back.  Radioactive was in a commercial but then they performed the song on one of the award shows with Kendrick Lamar….it was FIRE!

I’ll start with “Believer” They talk about pain and how to embrace it and let it flow through you and then use it to become something bigger.  Never give up!  Never let people, situations, or hurt keep you down.  Continue to fight and continue to believe that you can do anything.  Pain may break you down, but just about everything beautiful comes from pain.  Just think of the butterfly who had to break through the cocoon in order to be this beautiful creature.  Nothing in life is easy.  In the video, Dan is fighting with Dolph Lundgren and there is a pause where Dan out of breath says “I want to stop”.  Dolph out breath as well says “you can’t” and he knocks Dan to the ground.  That’s life, it makes you tired, hurt, out of breath, but we have to continue on!

“Thunder”  Shaking my head.  I remember when I first heard it on the radio and I thought wow, there is something hip hoppy (I know that’s not a real description, but bear with me for a minute)  The beat, some of the background ticks, sounded like a rap was about to come in, but instead its Dan with his way of singing, but not singing, but not rapping…..  Yes that!  But the more I got into the words…I though ohhhh here we go again!!  In this one, Dan talks about his dreams as a kid and how he never conformed to the world he grew up in.  He’s always been different!  Wanting to leave his old life behind, he lets us know he was not a yes sir or a follower.  Lightning brings forth a light while the thunder rolls and by sound you know it’s there.  You can’t see it, but you know it’s there.  In the video, he’s the only one moving… everyone else is standing still…..besides the weird dancers.  He’s always had dreams of being a star.  But that dream has come true….  “Now I’m is smiling from the stage while you were clapping in the nosebleed!”  That is a CLASSIC line!!  Look at me I’m here while you’re still small in your judgement!  You can’t NOT like this song!!! Plus towards the end the “never give up” line that is thrown in…. YES!!!

“It’s time” Yet another one of the songs with meaning.  Dan was raised Mormon and did two years of missionary work in Nebraska.  Meaning to live his life as he was brought up he started attending BYU.  But things weren’t working out.  He had started the band and decided to pack up and start really trying to make the band successful.  He is who he is at his core, but he didn’t want to continue on the path that was laid out for him.  But it’s time for him to begin something new.  As he grows, the band grows, he gets bigger and bigger, but he’s not going to change who he is at his core!  But he has to follow his new lead…. and it leads to becoming one of my favorite bands!!

“Whatever It Takes” This one the beat alone gets me hyped!  I just really listened to the words yesterday.  But …. it’s just as empowering!  In this song he lets us know how striving to be the best, stepping out the box, and being different makes the adrenaline flow through his veins. He has not become what he was raised to be in a sense.  He has had a fear of being “typical” but he has broken free from that!  He knows that he has can die happy because he has pushed himself and the band to be best!!  There is a line that talks about how everyone is praying for the end times.  It does seem like that has been the topic of late in my conversations.  And it may be true, but why not live life to fullest in the mean time.  Break some chains and feel that adrenaline!!

There are many others, but I don’t want to make this entry too long!  Other songs, “Warrior” and “I Bet my Life” are two more.  And let me say, Dan is a performer. In any of the videos I have seen of them live he doesn’t stand still he is constantly moving and keeping up the energy!  But he’s not the whole band… the others contribute equally Daniel Platzman, Ben McKee, Wayne Sermon.

Now who’s going to buy me concert tickets!!????????

11/26/2017 TNB©

Worthy………….RIGHT?

“Sometimes you have to torture yourself with the truth in order to move forward. It may sting, but it’s always for the best!” ©TNB

Quite a statement and seems hurtful and would cause a lot of pain, but it is something that must be done.  When you find your life comes to this point, nothing to be done but make changes.  Being used is never a good feeling.  But when you are participating in it and freely giving of yourself, you would think the pain would lessen in the end.  But it doesn’t.  Oh believe me, it doesn’t.   When we think we are doing ourselves a favor, most of the time we’re not.  If you must have that conversation with yourself to prove that it’s not going to affect you…much… well then you should know, it’s going to affect you in a HUGE way.

I let him off the hook.  He hurt me, which I didn’t think he could do, and then I let him off the hook.  He said he was sorry, afraid of losing what we had.  Afraid to let me go, and wonders if he made a mistake.   The words were said with just enough sugar to temp me to take a little nip of the short end of the stick he was feeding me.  But instead of seeing the short end for what it was, I thought I was getting the longer piece.  The piece that after being with me would roll over to my side of the garden.  But appearances are more important.  It’s just that he does not know how to choose the differences that are me.  See the continuous bullshit I feed myself.  It’s not that… he takes her out, they have dinner, meet with friends….. but I never left the house… oh wait except the backyard………

I’m the dirty little secret who never knew my true name.  Secret, that’s it.  It’s not that he missed ME, just missed what I provided for him.  That release, that he craved and only I could give.  There was no strings of emotions that tied him to me.  It was all in my head, all in my dreams.  So why the quote at the beginning?  Because I revisit pictures of him and her to remind myself to give it up.  To stop thinking I had control when I didn’t even have a kernel’s worth.  I don’t have control over the feelings of inadequacy that fall over me.  It seems to be a pattern with me.  My company is never what is wanted, it is more of my ASS-ets.  Is it my fault?  What am I projecting that sends these pheromones to the attached?  I can never figure it out.  It’s obviously something that I have done in a former life maybe?  Or maybe that’s all they think I’m worth.  I’m worth MORE….. right?

11/07/2017  TNB©

Write…. you say?

At work a couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with a coworker.  She is a published writer and she told me about some of her stories.  I then let her in on my secret, that I am a writer as well.  I have several stories I’ve started but none finished.  I gave her some background into a couple of the stories I’ve started.  She was very interested and wanted to how the stories end.  So there is my motivation to get back to my writing.  I haven’t been diligent as I’ve been in the past.  I don’t know if my focus is off or if I’m just mentally tired.  I work two jobs and it doesn’t give me a lot of creative time.  Yet, it does.  I’m at my second job right now 5:07 am and I am writing in this blog.  Why am I not working on my stories??  That’s it isn’t… the motivation, the drive I’ve been looking for.  I’ve finally added to the last scene of the first novel, at least I have in my head.

My next feat will be to add to the actual story.  Time and chance, chance and time.  I’ve got to get moving.  My thought process is slowly coming back to life.  I thought it was deadened because of my constant working.  But I don’t think it’s dead, may have needed to hear someone else’s creative joy in order to awake.  I certainly appreciate that conversation not only because it awaken ideas, but also reminded me of why I write.  Not to just expend energy, or to practice my typing, but to set free the stories that live in my head!  They deserve to be heard!

Fairy-Tale……. Swaying in the wind

Life is not a fairy tale. How often have you heard that sentence?  I know I’ve heard it enough to recite it in another language.  French “La vie n’est pas un conte de fees” or “Livet er ikke et eventyr” in Danish.  But if this is true, why do I keep dreaming of the fairy tale?  The prince charming that sweeps me off my feet with his sweetness, his gentlemanly ways, his laugh that touches my soul?  If it doesn’t exist, why do I still want it?  Am I the only one who still dreams?  I’ve had so many fantasies, so many so that I write a story to go with each.  Or rather I think of stories, they don’t always end up on paper or a computer screen.  But they are still in my mind.  Why can’t I purge them from my heart?

If the “fairy tale” doesn’t exist, why does it seem like some people are living it?  The white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, and beautifully manicured dog. I’ve seen it in person.  I think about back when I was in college.  I wanted a relationship true, but I was also enjoying my freedom at the same time.  My last relationship in college was with a young man who was younger than me.  But he was sweet, a gentleman, and he cherished me.  He did beautiful things that may seem small to others, but was very loving to me.  I remember when I broke up with him, I just wanted my freedom.  Me and the girls had been traveling to different colleges meeting all kinds of people.  I felt like that was living!  But I remember telling him that I wanted to be free, that he was a great guy and he was going to find someone that would really love him.  I hurt him because it came from nowhere.  But I told myself that he would be OK, he was young and would get over me.  But now that I look back, sometimes I wish I had rode that relationship to see where it would have taken us.  It’s all in the living though isn’t it?  We learn from our daily movements and decisions.  Or we hope that we do.

But back to my fairy tale……..  I digress…….  There are days that I am completely comfortable with my life and the way it is going.  I work a lot true, but at the same time I get an enjoyment from working and paying bills.  That’s what adults do.  I even purchased a new vehicle as a way to reward me in my hard work.  But then there are days when I’ve watch a YouTube couple that I wonder where is my prince?  Did I lose him the early days only to find that I am not worthy in this life to be gifted another?  Will the universe punish me for my misdeeds with Mr. C or Mr. W?  Am I one of those women that are destined to be alone and be a aunt to everyone’s kids, see others living their fairy tale?  I guess you can say I have refocused my energy on working and taking care of myself.  And I am eternally grateful for my family.  But the question remains if I was supposed to have a family, why hasn’t it happened?  And maybe it is because I’ve crossed over the 40 year mark that am starting the grieving process of living without children.

Whatever the line, I’m still wondering about that fairy tale.  Will I ever get it?  Will I dream up a 6’5 defensive end/line body type and he magically appear to me?  Probably not…. but I know the key to the lock is to just live.  LIVE!  Live everyday and continue with my life as it is and move in which ever direction it takes me.  I am often afraid to move sometimes.  I’m afraid to move my feet and sway with the wind.  But in order to grow and make sure I am in place for my prince to find me, I must find a way to swallow my fear of swaying in the wind and let lead me to my destiny.

08/22/2017 TNB©