Blocked…….. Botched……..or just stop?

I want to write.  But I cannot write.  That is difficult for me to say.  I coin myself a writer, but I cannot write.  Is there a block or is there an end?  This cannot be the end, of course it’s not.  But I cannot write.  What I want to say is not free flowing as usual.  Is it writer’s block or am I not really a writer?  But I want to write.  That is all it takes to be a writer is it not?  Or does there have to be a significant piece that passes you on to the great and beyond of a career writer?  If so I have never found that piece.  Or have I and to afraid to let it fly for fear of not hearing that I am a writer.  My soul longs to produce this peace, this piece of heaven that allows all my talent to rise to the crest… but yet, I cannot write.

What is this feeling of fullness, full of words, yet nothing makes sense, even to me.  But of course, I don’t want it to drain out of me and not on paper.  But I don’t know what else to think. Is this the end of this writer, me, not you.  But is there no end to the ways we can create what we want to say in a slew of words in different order?  But at then end of this I say, I want to write, but I cannot write.  This strangles my creativity, it hurts me from the inside.  But until I can set the illusion from my mind, I must write…… But I cannot…… Right?

10/23/2018 TNB©

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Forgive thyself…… Must We?

This morning on my way in to work, I was feeling a bit melancholy.  Not sure why.  I was Ok when I woke up.  But when I settled down in the car, my emotions shifted.  I began to think and trying to figure it out.  But then I started talking God.  I do that sometimes when I’m in the car.  Just that quiet time that I need to talk.  But the first thing that came to mind was forgiveness.  I asked God to forgive me for all the things I’ve done that was not pleasing to him.  And believe it or not, the list is long.  Even thoughts can be added to the list.  I’ve done things to other people, maybe not directly to them, but my actions could affect them.  And for that I am sorry.  I just wanted that time to ask God to cleanse me of those deeds and thoughts.  It may not be as detrimental as murder, but some thoughts don’t have to be of actually hurting someone physically.  You can hurt them by your interactions with someone in their lives.

Yes, a particular situation comes to mind.  When someone I thought was once my possession secretly walked away, I was fooled into thinking he was mine first.  But he was never really mine.  But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t take advantage of that thought and for that I ask for forgiveness.  For the words that came through my mind as I heard the voice of a someone I once thought was a friend, I ask for forgiveness.  For my thoughts were of violence and I am not a violent person.  But if I had given into the impulses that raced through my mind, what the result would have been, scares me.  So again, I ask for forgiveness.

I am not perfect, never have been, never will be.  My thoughts are not perfect and neither are my actions.  I try to be a good person daily, but even that slips.  I try to love everyone, even mine enemies.  But that gets tough.  Sometimes I just want to rail at the world and give it the big middle finger.  But that is not who I am or who I wish to be, but some days, I think it would be nice not to give a shit!  But that’s not who I am.  Most people don’t know who they really are.  Do you?  I do know that I am not one to brag or boast, and if I ever have, I ask for forgiveness.

You see the thing is, we have to ask for forgiveness and be forgiven, before we can forgive others.  We have to forgive ourselves for making that wrong choice, or thinking in the wrong direction.  I cannot forgive you if I cannot forgive myself.  Otherwise, it is just false emotions going around in a circle of shadows.  So tell me, what do you need to be forgiven for?

10/03/2018 TNB©

Ships…… That Go Bump In The Night………..

Life changes on a dime and sometimes we are not prepared.  We stay focused on what is in front of us and not what is necessarily what is coming.  But when things come at us fast, we make snap decisions that aren’t always the best.  But we base it on what we know at the time.  My life has been changed in a way that I’m not sure how to handle.  But as I have learned in the interim, things don’t always work out the way we want.  Friends come and go and some we wish that we had never met, and those we thank God that we have met.

Friendship is such an intricate world.  We have friends that we can talk to about EVERYTHING.  Then we have those that we can’t tell everything but know a lot about other things.  In friendship, a real friendship we understand each other and are willing to do whatever necessary to make sure the other is doing well, mentally, physically, and spiritually.  If we call ourselves a friend, it is our duty.

I may have lost a really good friend because of timing.  Life is all about timing…. something I would not have said a couple of years ago.  But it is true.  The timing of our feelings, the timing of theirs.  It simply may not be in the cards that both of your timing is in sync.  It is never your intention to hurt each other but sometimes that is out of our control.  We don’t control everything, that is left to the man above.  It doesn’t lessen the pain.  I understand that there may need to be a gap that will remain for a time, but it doesn’t lessen that pain.

So in mourning I go, to mourn the loss of that ship, friendship, closeship. But there is nothing I can do but give him time to do the same.  To hopefully know that pain is the last thing I would ever want to cause.  It is the last thing I would ever want him to feel.  It is the last thing that I want to feel, but again the word control, we cannot control everything, especially when it comes to other people.  I love him as my friend, as the special person that he is.  If things were different, I would have told him that I love him for the kind, gentle, generous, spirit that he is.  But our timing is off and we did not fall in love at the same time.  I would wish him the best and to know that I want the best for him.  I understand the separation is necessary and would not want to continue to cause him any hurt or pain.  I wish him peace…….

08/10/2018 ©TNB

Introducing …Me…. The Mist…………

Is this what you envision your life would be?  Is the day to day activity from which you stroll through what you thought your mission would be?  If you ever thought about those days of old when you used to dream of your life’s work, did it look like this today?  Or did you have dreams that you’ve yet to reach?  That’s the beauty of dreams.  They are there to give you something to strive for.  So that you never become stagnant in the droll of life.  But don’t we get stuck sometimes?  Do you not wish to be immovable so much so that you stick yourself to something or in most cases someone that renders you STUCK!?  But only you can move your limbs only you can walk away.  But you’re scared, I get it.  Scared to move forward, afraid of staying put.  So how do you wish to proceed?

Oh no, you cannot ask for help or should you?  Or should you just tarry along alone? Thinking back to those dreams, you were not alone.  You were with your soul’s other half.  It was glorious in it’s synchronicity.  How you blended into one.  But then you open your eyes and you find yourself in a dream, or is it a nightmare…. where you find you are living the dream one nightmare at a time?  Where you lose what you love, you find another… and it too is gone.  So do you move to thrice or do you just slide into the mist of life and make your day to day so uniform that one day melds into the other…. that you no longer see color only numbers of the clock that drift from one midnight to another from one Friday night to Sunday mornings.

Marking time through the days of getting up at 5am to getting home at 9:30pm…. so long to the carefree spirit that roamed the weekends like a shadow passing through the windows of celebration.  Now the shadow, just a mist that slides in and out of time day to day.  But what solidifies the mist, another gaping hole that needs to be filed.  Only following those long ago lost dreams will allow you to fully form to the person that you were meant to be….. It’s time to make your mission your final curtain call.  For the music is playing softly waiting for your entrance…………………

07/15/2018 ©TNB

Committed…Burned at the stake…. I think not, it’s just Mental Health….take note!

There was a time, when I let no one in.  I kept all my problems and idiosyncrasies to myself.  If I was scared of something or anxious, I told no one.  If my anger threatened to take over my good sense, I held it in.  With worry over my bills and how I would pay them or even eat the next week, I did not tell a soul!  And in the end, it was my undoing.  A panic attack that felt the size of the universe descended upon me and covered me until I crumbled under the weight of it.

Crumbled completely… utterly undone!  I could not be in my own apartment by myself, I felt claustrophobic in my car, just being in my office felt like the walls were closing in on me.  And eating… if I did eat it was once a day and in some cases once every two days.  But then I was folded into my family and really learned what leaning on someone meant.  Plus… I took my downtrodden, anxiety-ridden, closed up ass off to therapy!!  And it was the BEST thing I could have ever done for myself.

Therapy… Counseling….. Talk to a Shrink….. Seeing a Psychiatrist…. there are many words for what people consider “getting help”  We as a society have frowned upon anything related to mental health.  Think about back in the 1700-1800’s…. If you had any issues with mental health, you were either committed or burned.  The thing is, don’t we still act that way toward people who have mental health issues?  Without knowing where it stems from, we judge and make them feel as though something is grossly wrong with them.  But the truth is, we all have some form of mental illness.  We may not have it as deeply as some, but tell the truth… are you happy every hour of every day? Do you have times when you feel out of control of a situation?  Are there times when your anger threatens to overtake your common sense?

Think really hard on those last three questions.  Would you ever think that you could be diagnosed with anxiety, depression or bipolar disorder…probably not.  And just because you answers those questions does not mean that have a diagnosis.  But just think of those feelings intensified… how could you cope?  Now let me make the distinction, a psychiatrist is someone who can prescribe medication.  A counselor/therapist, is who will delve deep into the issues and allow you time to speak and learn your truth.  There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with admitting you cannot do it alone!  We have made it seems as though admitting you need help or you have mental/emotional issues, makes you less of a person.  IT DOES NOT!!!  Find someone to talk to so you can sort through all those emotions!  It doesn’t make you less of a person to admit you need help, I think it is the opposite… it takes strength to admit you cannot do it alone….. now… think about that for a sec!!!

06/27/2018 © TNB

 

What are you willing to give………

I heard this song last week called “It takes a lot to know a man” by an Irish artist named Damien Rice.  When I first heard it, I thought wow, this guy gets it!!  It’s not just about what it takes to understand a man, but also to understand a woman.  The chorus lets you know what is feels like to be totally and utterly devoted to knowing what it’s like to get to know another person.  At least that is how I interpret it.  You tell me ….  “It takes a lot to give, to ask for help, to be yourself to know and love and what you live with.  It takes a lot to breath, to touch, to feel the slow the reveal of what another body needs.”  This sounds so difficult, yet so simple.  The basis of any relationship is honesty and truth.  Even if things are not perfect, we have to be willing to be completely transparent with each other.

There are many facets of a man.  The father, son, warrior, hunter, little boy.  It takes time to know each and every part.  When we meet someone, we rush sometimes either trying to get to sex or to be able to let others know that we finally have a “friend!” Whatever the reason is, don’t let it distract you from the layers of a man.  Don’t let it ruin the puzzle that is the sage, the man you may learn has wisdom and knowledge you need.  To learn that he not only compliments you, but adores and treasures you.  Don’t let it ruin the future with a man who will open his heart and emotions to you.

But it’s the same for us.  It takes a lot to know a woman as Damien says the mother, the child, the honeybee that stings, the little girl with wings!  Men say that it is the hardest thing to know what a woman wants. But it really isn’t that hard.  We want and need you to listen, to spend time, to give that undivided attention.  A woman treated like a treasure will be able to stand beside you and even behind you when you need someone to lean on.  We have dreams that we want to share with you, dreams that we need to share.  But only if you really want to know and not just for show to get a piece of ass and then you’re poof…. gone like the wind.

The bottom line is that unless you are really ready to do what it takes to really get to know someone, it’s best to just cruise for one nighters or just stay home until you’re ready.  There are a lot of people out there getting hurt because honesty has gone astray.  How difficult is it to be honest?  Open your mind, open your heart to what is out there…. don’t be afraid to get to know the hunter, the muse.

****Special Credit to Damien Rice and  his song “It takes a lot to know a woman”****

04/03/2018 TNB©

Black Woman……

Excuse me for a moment while I be myself… while I make this blog about me and those like me… I mean those with brown skin.. whether you call it black, chocolate, caramel or any other euphemism you can come up with, this is about US!  Black women we are beautiful and we are strong.  There’s no need to hide that strength because other people are threatened by it.  Why hide the very thing that keeps you walking up right?  So what others may think you feel you know it all, so what they feel like you know more than they do, so what if they can’t understand where you’re coming from.  All that matters is that you understand.

All that matters is that you keep walking with your head up!  There have been many times in our lives that the enemy has come to kill, steal, and destroy, but that strength you carry in your heart and your soul would not allow it to happen.  That man or boy that came into your life and destroyed your trust.  He took everything you gave and left you little in return.  Or he may have left  son or daughter with his eyes, a child for you to raise on your own and teach about life.  It’s unfortunate, but as a woman you know what must me done.  In your veins is the blood of black women from decades ago that took care of her children and those in the big house.  You know the big house of which I speak.  When Mrs. lady of the house was too worn out from sitting all day in the cool air, Ms. Sara had to cook dinner, feed the children, breastfeed a child that wasn’t hers, and make sure Mrs. lady had her food on the table.  That’s the blood that’s running through your veins.  So when you’re tired as we all get sometimes, remember Ms. Sara and the strength she had to tarry on.

And beauty, why must we have to live up to what society says is beautiful.  Each and every one of us are unique.  We have face structure, cheek bones, lips, eyes that are all different.  So why can’t ours be beautiful?  According to some people black women look to manly, we are too fat, and cannot stand up to the standards of beauty.  I call bullshit!!  And please don’t take that for anger, what it is, is wonder.  Wonder at how people can miss it?  Can’t see the forest for the trees type thing.  Our skin can be the color of smooth chocolate, dark chocolate, caramel, sweet, sun-kissed they call it.  I don’t know about you but sometimes I stare in awe at some of the black women I know who are gorgeous just by waking up in the morning.

If what you’ve read has made you angry, or feel left out then what I type is not for you.  This is not a story to bring the feel goods to everyone who reads my blog.  This is not up for debate.  Black Woman you are beautiful and Strong.  Never let someones insecurity make you doubt that from whence you came.  I know that white and other races of people will read this blog.  Or at least I hope they do, but what I want them to take from it is not the feeling of being left out, but one of understanding.  Black women get criticized for just being black.  Read this and understand that an internal strength is built in us, its not something we can just stop being.  A presence of Ms. Sara will always be present in us, don’t try to hide it Beautiful Black Woman, wear it with a regal baring!  Hold… Your… Head…. High!

03/12/2018 © TNB

Love Me Tinder – When People Realize That There is a REAL Person, with REAL Feelings, Behind the Screen

Life and Dreams of An Unchained Heart

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How do you feel when you are ghosted? Why do you ghost people? The simple answer I have learned about this is: FEAR – Fear of telling someone why you no longer want to date them. In the age of online dating, these acts of cowardice have become so acceptable in our culture, that’s its just downright scary.

I am of a different generation. I think it’s Generation Y, and sometimes I think it’s totally fitting because I often think, “Y the Hell was I even born?” But that’s a whole other story in itself. Dating when I was younger was very much like what Drew Barrymore describes in the amazing movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” (2009). Her character in the movie really has a hard time navigating through the whole world of Online Dating. She says, (and I believe most of us can identify with this), “If…

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Free Flowing …….

The forest is barren devoid of leave, branches, and green.  Some would call it barren, some would all it empty, but I call it me.  There are trees that has kept it’s green color, it’s lushness, as there are parts of me that have kept my lust for life, my need to help all I can.  But what about the part that lies dormant?  Is there more to me than the here and now.  Of that I am not sure.

The essence of who we are is not of our own making.  There is nurture vs nature, there is familial ties that bind.  But in the end we become who we are because of our own will.  Is that will strong enough to continue through this life alone?  Am I willing to continue down this path, towards enlightenment, but one that comes at a price?

They say man is not made to live on bread alone, but what if bread is all he can muster?  The want for more is there, but the heart can only take so much before it completely breaks.  Before it erects itself in a shell of concrete.  To hard to break, too hard to penetrate.

Life is not for the hard and barren, it is for the light-filled lightness that keeps up afloat in the memory of love and who made us feel it.  We want that feeling always.  We want to enclose it into ourselves so that it burns and keeps us in the now, keep us grounded in what is real.

But is true love real?  Is it something we can truly hold onto, or does that flame eventually die?  Can someone please tell me, help me to understand what binds our hearts so tight to another that we feel as if our life has been snuffed out when they have turned and walked away.  If you have found your soul in another being, help me to understand how it came about and how you’ve made it last.

Or maybe for some it isn’t to last.  It’s just a feeling, a spirit, a caress of something beautiful to hold in our memories so that we can have that one story of love, that one mystical feeling inside of our being………  Once again it’s the forest of barren trees.  But you know that the spring eventually comes and it is once again lush with green and with life……..  so hold on….. that feeling is coming again…..don’t rush it…… For the perfect rose was not formed in a day…….

©TNB 03/01/2018