FUCK IT!! I’m ANGRY…. yes I am PISSED off!!!!
WHY? WHY? I keep asking myself why??? I am a good person no? I am independent, I try to take care of myself. I didn’t have kids without the benefit of a husband…. I try to stay out of trouble and I don’t make trouble for anyone. I do what I can when I can for everyone I can. But WHY?? Why does it seems like I can’t catch a fucking break??
Yeah… brace yourself.. my sailor’s mouth is about to get really busy!
So back to my the rant. It’s so fucking hard to live alone and take care of everything on your own. Unless you make over $50,000 and I definitely DO NOT… not even with two jobs. Yet employers expect you to be work your fingers to the grind and be grateful for the pennies they throw you. NO I’m not grateful. I do my job and I do it well. Even when I have push back, I still do my job well. But then what’s in it for me? Just seeing people succeed is all and that is enough… most days. But mornings like now I am sitting at a job that I do not like anymore simply because of the people that don’t appreciate the good things they have in life and want to dog those who don’t. But that’s a rant for another day.
I am sitting here 2:41 in the morning and …. and I’ve been doing it for 6 years…. 6 FUCKING years and I am no further ahead then when I started.. SO what’s the fucking point?
And please don’t let me get started on dating… DEAR GAWD what did I do to deserve this??? I got a divorce… yes… yes I did… but is that cause of all this anguish? You try to be nice and talk to people. Try to get to know people (men) and they ghost you. They have a girlfriend or wife and try to talk to you. All I ask for is honesty. All I ask is for you to be single. My standards are not that high. Be independent. Take care of yourself…. have a vehicle, somewhere to lay your head. If you’re a father, take care and love your kids. Is that too much to ask for?
I am by no means perfect but I sit and wonder how it is, I am still single… after being divorced 11 years and my ex, who cheated lied, you name it… is always with someone. I don’t understand it. What have I done wrong… what have I done to deserve it? And then when I try to open myself up, I get nothing in return.
I am looking at the rest of my life and besides my want to move back to the coast, it’s not looking all that happy. Sometimes I feel like I am not like normal people. I am not the type to make friends easy, but I try to be nice. I speak to strangers just to be nice. But no one gives me a second look. I was told by someone I love like a sister that men like makeup and they like for women to smell good. And I know it was said out of love, but it made me feel so plain. I also had another friend (male) tell me I wasn’t sophisticated enough. So what do I do, make myself into this fake makeup wearing, over-perfumed sophisticated (not) person?? Why can’t I be loved for me… my marvel t-shirt wearing, lipstick/eyeliner/eye shadow wearing, sometimes, heels when I feel like wearing person that I am?
What is wrong with me? I asked in the previous entry if I was broken. I still don’t think I am, but clearly something is wrong. But you know what… FUCK IT!!!!