It is currently 4:42 am on May 25th. It is memorial day a holiday which is why I am at work… go figure. But I was going through my Facebook page and I thought, I need to change my profile picture. Currently it is a picture of my Mom and Dad when they were younger. I’m not sure what age or if I had come about yet. I’ll have to ask my Mom!
But I was looking at their smiles on their faces and then I focused on my dad’s face and I just started crying. Yes, I still cry for the loss of my father although I did not get a chance to know him. I was 5 months old when my dad was killed in an accident at work. My mom was left with three children one of whom was still in diapers. I cannot imagine the pain of losing your husband and still having to go on because your children needed you.
I wonder how different my life would have been had he survived and was there along with my mom to help raise me. He was much older than my mom but from what everyone says, he was a great man! He helped my mom doing my sister’s hair and he would watch my brother and sister when my mom was really busy. When my grandfather was in a mood, my father would take my mom to pick up my grandmother and bring her to our house. And everyone who speaks about him, does so with so such admiration. Now he wasn’t perfect, no one is. But he seem to have so many people that loved and admired him.
I cannot seems to process this grief and it seems as though it is affecting me so much more now as an adult then it did as a child. I knew that my family suffered a loss, but it is just hitting me so much more hard now. Maybe it’s because I understand now how important it can be to have a two parent home. Or maybe I’ve learned more about the relationship dynamic and how having a father is so important to little girls. I don’t know what it is but I just can’t seem to process it.
Father’s day is usually the worst now. I’m usually at work at the part time so it’s third shift, the middle of the night. I’m either typing doing work or finished and perusing the net. It hits me and I cry…. seems like it’s happening more and more every year. I don’t know how to process it and live with memory that others have of him. Sometimes I wish he would appear to me and hug me and tell me that he’s been watching over me and will always watch over me. Then I think man if that did happen I would be scared out of my wits!!! But at the same time, I know that it would be comforting.
I say to all of you that have your fathers that are still alive, whether they are in your lives or not. Please try to mend those fences if you can. At least try and if he doesn’t reciprocate, then you’ve done your part to try and honor thy father.
For those of you have your father in your life and they have been a great influence, a comforter, a great example. Hug them tight, extra tight just for me!! Thanked them for being there for you and loving you and raising you. Be thankful and grateful that he is there.
For those of you who lost their father and he was all those things to you, I pray for your strength and pray that he is still watching over you.
And for those like me who did not get the chance to have all of those things, I pray for us as well that we receive the comfort we need and always know that even though our fathers were not there, through no fault of their own, they would have loved us, cared and comforted us through all of our ups and downs!
To my father…… I love you, I miss you, and I wish you were here…not just for me, but for my brother, sister, and especially my mother. We all love and miss you!