Discovery is such a good thing. When we can discover things about other people it’s a great thing but when we discover things about ourselves, it’s even better. I decided to initiate conversation with my “friend” just to say hello and see how he was doing. I got a response which is always good. But in telling him he was missed, I got a lazy response in return. It made me wonder, what am I doing here? Why did I get that lazy response? And that started the thoughts of inadequacies. Also the thoughts why not me? Why wasn’t I the one who lived the life of Riley? Why didn’t I meet the man of my dreams in college and now we are living in happiness, with the white picket fence and the 2.5 children. It got to the point where I started to depress myself and I was headed to an event that I was excited to attend. But here I was allowing my thoughts to take over me. And the feelings of joy I was experiencing turned to sadness and sorrow. Luckily, I snapped out of it and enjoyed my day. And I didn’t return to that wallowing sadness.
Discovery, a wonderful thing for our continued growth. I started watching a show I have come to love I Netflix. And I love the main character. His presence, his voice, his acting is beautiful. But I began to think of him as my lover and in these thoughts, I realized something about me. I sexualize each man I come in contact with. Rather it be an actor on TV, a co-worker, a stranger, even a minister (I should really be ashamed right!!!!) But in thinking back to men I have come in contact with, I’ve in some way made it about sex. I realized I don’t see men as people. I see them as sexual objects. WOW!!! Could this be the reason I feel so inept at conversation with a male stranger? Could this be why I have the hardest time keeping sex out of a relationship? WOW! What a realization to have!! Immediately I am proud of me. It’s something to realize something about yourself and want to fix it! How can I begin to fix what has been 40 years in the making?
Discovery!! But how do I begin to see them as people. I don’t know where to begin. My life is half over but in a way, it has just begun. The things we tell ourselves throughout life are designed to assist us with living and loving. When we make discoveries and little nuggets about our attitudes, whether it be positive or negative, the discovery is just the beginning. The real work begins after. So I ask myself again, where do I begin? My thought process has to change. I once accused the Hallmark movie channel of selling pipe dreams in their movies about romance. Love in TV never happens that way in real life. But maybe it’s me that is guilty of believing in make believe more than I believe in what is REAL LIFE. Yet another discovery. What is the next step? Shall I go back to every man I’ve known in life and let them know my mistake? That I never saw him as a person, but as an object to be used or allowed to use me?
,All suggestions are welcomed… This is not something I believe I can change in a day, it’s going to be a process. Shall a now renounce my friend and even start over with him? Perhaps my inadequacies I spoke of earlier is that I have perhaps kept myself from making a lasting true relationship because I believed I was the only person involved and the other, was a robot only there for me to control or try to control their view of me and who I am. Tried to control their love, feelings, and how much they knew of me. All of the bad things I kept hidden afraid to let it show. So they only thought perhaps that I “thought” or “acted” as though I am perfect when in fact I am far from. I am not and CANNOT be perfect for anyone, not even God.
There is a lot more to be found…. for as the archeologist of Teresa, I am only just beginning to get beneath the surface!