Monthly Archives: October 2016

F*ckboys & Fauxlationships

halfietruths

Yesterday, I talked briefly about walking away from an unhealthy relationship, that if I’m being honest, I always knew deep down was some bullshit. It started off as a friendship, turned flirty, then became physical, and somehow I built a whole relationship in my head, on some bullshit. Yea, he contributed with empty promises, but who believed them after he continued to show me otherwise…
We never went on dates, we barely saw each other, and we only communicated when I reached out, but when I threatened to stop participating in the fauxlationship, he protested. That meant he cared, right?! Yes. He cared about himself.

And, he was winning. I was driving his ass around town, sleeping with him, and being his biggest fan. I wouldn’t want to lose all that either!

We did this for months. I accounted for him, to my friends and to myself. When I had…

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Goodbyes & Hellos

halfietruths

Goodbye summer, and hello fall.
Goodbye cycle one, and hello cycle two…

Yesterday, I talked my doctor into a pregnancy test on my blood work, because I was too impatient to wait 9 more days. I got the NEGATIVE news late last night and thought I was fine. This morning I was not fine. I was sad. It took me awhile to get here, to be ready. I feel like I’ve been in transition for far too long, and I’m ready, deserving, dare I say entitled to, a positive outcome.

I love new adventures and new chapters, but I hate the space we must move through to get to there. I don’t like transition. I don’t like the uncertainty and the anxiety that accompanies it. And as I moved through the day, I realized that I was transitioning out of a space that I love and into one I’m not…

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Tyyger’s Lair

He said he loved me.  He repeated it again… He loves me…. And again and again… He loves me.  But now that I think about it, did he know what love was or a better question did I know what love was?

We met in 1996 through a computer screen.  We connected through a computer screen.  It was funny because it wasn’t what either of us were looking for.  I often wondered if it were a gift from God to meet someone across states that I bonded with so easily and so tight.  But after the end, I now wonder if it was the start of a nightmare that still has a stage and continues to play…..

He had me at hello.  His face, not what I imagined his aura though, was just as glowing as I expected.  Our first skin to skin contact…..When he pulled me to the side away from prying eyes and kissed me, I cannot describe the feeling of rightness, the “CLICK” that I heard as soon as his lips touched mine.  God it was a eureka I cannot explain.  He looked at me and I was home in his eyes.  His lips the nourishment my soul craved.  But maybe that was what he knew.  He knew me, so he could pull me in tight.  That night the first of many “Clicks”  but also the first time I knew what it was like to vibe with someone.  Be so in tuned to their words, that part of our enigmatic souls that we believe exist but just can’t grasp.  He was that part of my soul and I grasp him tight.  My name from his lips was beautiful, but his name for me…. “Tiger” harmonious bliss to my ears…….

20 years of knowing has equaled to nothing.  I see his face and want to cry but yet I want to crawl inside of him and stay.  Our love has ended if it was ever there to begin with.  A lesson I’ve learned through this is just because you think you’ve found your soul-mate it doesn’t mean that it’s to be forever.  I’ve heard that said before, but I didn’t believe it.  I thought perhaps once he was found, love forever was inevitable.  But apparently that’s only for some.

You see what really hurt, was that I thought we were friends…before our souls connected I saw friendship in him.  One that I could be myself with laugh and cry with. He would start the convo… ” How are you physically? mentally?  Spiritually?”  I would ask the same and it would seem as if no time had past.  It seemed that if something was wrong physically, mentally, spiritually, we could be that balm that soothed the trouble.  But apparently, I was wrong on that score.  So wrong that to even type the word friendship hurts.  What did I give up so freely that cost this much?  That I’m still paying for?