Monthly Archives: June 2017

Idris Elba

My Idris!!!!!

paulmakesart

IMG_1055

New artwork based on the actor Idris Elba, using a mixture of paint and pencil

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The contamination of expectations……..

At the crux of it, we all want to find unconditional love.  We want to give unconditional love and know that we are receiving the best in return.  So much so that we open ourselves up to the dangers of dishonesty, unauthentic people, and a hurt so powerful, once it’s gone through your body, you feel numb to anything.  Even a drink of water cannot be felt in your dried soul.

The recent events in my life have shown me one thing.  I talk a good game, but my follow through is still 1998.  I recently met someone that I thought was made just for me.  Although it was short, the time we knew each other, my whole heart was ready for him.  He told me of his life past, present, and what he saw for the future.  He talked to me like he knew me.  Like he was already a part of my present and destined to be my future.  His nature was sweet, he was intelligent, and generous.  His looks were so far away from what I’d imagined, I knew that this had to be the man that God fashioned for me.  ONLY for me.  The more I talked to him, heard his voice, I could hear it when I first woke in the morning, even though it was just a text.  A screen of words, I knew him, I heard him.  A German prince had come to sweep me away.  Away from the job that burns me out, the state that has grown old, away from my own head, which was focused on finding him.

But to learn that it was just a fantasy conjured up from a liar, and manipulator, was too much to bear.  When I found out I had been lied to, was being prepped to be used, it was as though I could not bear the thought of moving past that moment.  I did not know how the next 24 hours would continue to move.  How was the sun going to rise and the world go on and I’m stuck in this bubble of hurt?  The desperate need to be filled with love from him was such a revelation to me.  Here I thought I had moved passed loving liars and eating dishonesty.  I thought I had learned to only eat from the plate of truth.  But in my own way I sold myself a pipe dream.  It wasn’t filled with crack but it was filled with something worse….. expectation!  What I expected and what was were two different things.  But expectation colored my eyes.  The rose colored glasses were purchased and on my face before I even knew I picked them up.

The numbness passed after I let it process.  But what was left in it’s wake is a charred soul.  It will take more than time to rebuild.  Putting your all into expectation can be the death of your soul.  The lesson to myself to kill expectation before it kills me.  Can I do that?  Am I ready for that?  Buying one 2X4 at a time, nailing the shutters up, and re-creating my healed soul will not be easy.  Why should it be? It’s sacred, something I forgot while allowing the expectation to romance me.  This time it’s being built with another block of experience.  A high rise that will take a God-fearing man to climb.   So the lesson here is, don’t allow expectation to kill you or your dream.  Catch it and let it fly away before it can contaminate your being!

06/08/2017 TNB©