The contamination of expectations……..

At the crux of it, we all want to find unconditional love.  We want to give unconditional love and know that we are receiving the best in return.  So much so that we open ourselves up to the dangers of dishonesty, unauthentic people, and a hurt so powerful, once it’s gone through your body, you feel numb to anything.  Even a drink of water cannot be felt in your dried soul.

The recent events in my life have shown me one thing.  I talk a good game, but my follow through is still 1998.  I recently met someone that I thought was made just for me.  Although it was short, the time we knew each other, my whole heart was ready for him.  He told me of his life past, present, and what he saw for the future.  He talked to me like he knew me.  Like he was already a part of my present and destined to be my future.  His nature was sweet, he was intelligent, and generous.  His looks were so far away from what I’d imagined, I knew that this had to be the man that God fashioned for me.  ONLY for me.  The more I talked to him, heard his voice, I could hear it when I first woke in the morning, even though it was just a text.  A screen of words, I knew him, I heard him.  A German prince had come to sweep me away.  Away from the job that burns me out, the state that has grown old, away from my own head, which was focused on finding him.

But to learn that it was just a fantasy conjured up from a liar, and manipulator, was too much to bear.  When I found out I had been lied to, was being prepped to be used, it was as though I could not bear the thought of moving past that moment.  I did not know how the next 24 hours would continue to move.  How was the sun going to rise and the world go on and I’m stuck in this bubble of hurt?  The desperate need to be filled with love from him was such a revelation to me.  Here I thought I had moved passed loving liars and eating dishonesty.  I thought I had learned to only eat from the plate of truth.  But in my own way I sold myself a pipe dream.  It wasn’t filled with crack but it was filled with something worse….. expectation!  What I expected and what was were two different things.  But expectation colored my eyes.  The rose colored glasses were purchased and on my face before I even knew I picked them up.

The numbness passed after I let it process.  But what was left in it’s wake is a charred soul.  It will take more than time to rebuild.  Putting your all into expectation can be the death of your soul.  The lesson to myself to kill expectation before it kills me.  Can I do that?  Am I ready for that?  Buying one 2X4 at a time, nailing the shutters up, and re-creating my healed soul will not be easy.  Why should it be? It’s sacred, something I forgot while allowing the expectation to romance me.  This time it’s being built with another block of experience.  A high rise that will take a God-fearing man to climb.   So the lesson here is, don’t allow expectation to kill you or your dream.  Catch it and let it fly away before it can contaminate your being!

06/08/2017 TNB©

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8 thoughts on “The contamination of expectations……..

  1. My, my, my, what a crazy world we live in today….so many ways, so many opportunities to deceive and hurt people…you may have felt that maybe you should have seen this coming, or would have seen this coming had you not been so blinded by the “courting”, thinking he was the one to fill a void, right? I get that, understand it very well. You know me though, i always think youre being so hard, too hard on yourself. You cant being a good natured person who desires what everyone is seeking–to love and be loved, to truly have that love be returned. I’m sorry that this situation turned out to be another reveal of a “snake” slithering around pretending to be human. What I do admire is how you didn’t say “I give up,” but next time it will take the man who is truly sent for you, made for YOU…..that’s deep….

  2. Please excuse me…I see a couple of typos on my post..urrggh.shoukd have done this from my laptop instead of my phone… :/

  3. There you go painting a picture of truth. Expectations can be a form of self harm because in the end we do it to ourselves. As I write this I am semi-single and have been for the last two years…but I wait on the moment that I click with someone and I hear God say…”I created him for you” ….He is coming for both of us @tyygerspirit28.

  4. Wow! @tygerspirit28. Thank you for sharing. As I was reading it I felt your numbness and pain. So powerful! Never give up. Speak your dream into the atmosphere. Pray for your future husband and tell God exactly what you’re looking for. He has him. He’s just preparing you both for the right moment

    1. Thank you Winnie!!! And thank you for taking time to read my blog!! I’ve been having dreams of him but I don’t know what to expect so I just keep taking to God about him who I envision him to be.

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