“Sometimes you have to torture yourself with the truth in order to move forward. It may sting, but it’s always for the best!” ©TNB
Quite a statement and seems hurtful and would cause a lot of pain, but it is something that must be done. When you find your life comes to this point, nothing to be done but make changes. Being used is never a good feeling. But when you are participating in it and freely giving of yourself, you would think the pain would lessen in the end. But it doesn’t. Oh believe me, it doesn’t. When we think we are doing ourselves a favor, most of the time we’re not. If you must have that conversation with yourself to prove that it’s not going to affect you…much… well then you should know, it’s going to affect you in a HUGE way.
I let him off the hook. He hurt me, which I didn’t think he could do, and then I let him off the hook. He said he was sorry, afraid of losing what we had. Afraid to let me go, and wonders if he made a mistake. The words were said with just enough sugar to temp me to take a little nip of the short end of the stick he was feeding me. But instead of seeing the short end for what it was, I thought I was getting the longer piece. The piece that after being with me would roll over to my side of the garden. But appearances are more important. It’s just that he does not know how to choose the differences that are me. See the continuous bullshit I feed myself. It’s not that… he takes her out, they have dinner, meet with friends….. but I never left the house… oh wait except the backyard………
I’m the dirty little secret who never knew my true name. Secret, that’s it. It’s not that he missed ME, just missed what I provided for him. That release, that he craved and only I could give. There was no strings of emotions that tied him to me. It was all in my head, all in my dreams. So why the quote at the beginning? Because I revisit pictures of him and her to remind myself to give it up. To stop thinking I had control when I didn’t even have a kernel’s worth. I don’t have control over the feelings of inadequacy that fall over me. It seems to be a pattern with me. My company is never what is wanted, it is more of my ASS-ets. Is it my fault? What am I projecting that sends these pheromones to the attached? I can never figure it out. It’s obviously something that I have done in a former life maybe? Or maybe that’s all they think I’m worth. I’m worth MORE….. right?