Goodbyes & Hellos

halfietruths

Goodbye summer, and hello fall.
Goodbye cycle one, and hello cycle two…

Yesterday, I talked my doctor into a pregnancy test on my blood work, because I was too impatient to wait 9 more days. I got the NEGATIVE news late last night and thought I was fine. This morning I was not fine. I was sad. It took me awhile to get here, to be ready. I feel like I’ve been in transition for far too long, and I’m ready, deserving, dare I say entitled to, a positive outcome.

I love new adventures and new chapters, but I hate the space we must move through to get to there. I don’t like transition. I don’t like the uncertainty and the anxiety that accompanies it. And as I moved through the day, I realized that I was transitioning out of a space that I love and into one I’m not…

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Tyyger’s Lair

He said he loved me.  He repeated it again… He loves me…. And again and again… He loves me.  But now that I think about it, did he know what love was or a better question did I know what love was?

We met in 1996 through a computer screen.  We connected through a computer screen.  It was funny because it wasn’t what either of us were looking for.  I often wondered if it were a gift from God to meet someone across states that I bonded with so easily and so tight.  But after the end, I now wonder if it was the start of a nightmare that still has a stage and continues to play…..

He had me at hello.  His face, not what I imagined his aura though, was just as glowing as I expected.  Our first skin to skin contact…..When he pulled me to the side away from prying eyes and kissed me, I cannot describe the feeling of rightness, the “CLICK” that I heard as soon as his lips touched mine.  God it was a eureka I cannot explain.  He looked at me and I was home in his eyes.  His lips the nourishment my soul craved.  But maybe that was what he knew.  He knew me, so he could pull me in tight.  That night the first of many “Clicks”  but also the first time I knew what it was like to vibe with someone.  Be so in tuned to their words, that part of our enigmatic souls that we believe exist but just can’t grasp.  He was that part of my soul and I grasp him tight.  My name from his lips was beautiful, but his name for me…. “Tiger” harmonious bliss to my ears…….

20 years of knowing has equaled to nothing.  I see his face and want to cry but yet I want to crawl inside of him and stay.  Our love has ended if it was ever there to begin with.  A lesson I’ve learned through this is just because you think you’ve found your soul-mate it doesn’t mean that it’s to be forever.  I’ve heard that said before, but I didn’t believe it.  I thought perhaps once he was found, love forever was inevitable.  But apparently that’s only for some.

You see what really hurt, was that I thought we were friends…before our souls connected I saw friendship in him.  One that I could be myself with laugh and cry with. He would start the convo… ” How are you physically? mentally?  Spiritually?”  I would ask the same and it would seem as if no time had past.  It seemed that if something was wrong physically, mentally, spiritually, we could be that balm that soothed the trouble.  But apparently, I was wrong on that score.  So wrong that to even type the word friendship hurts.  What did I give up so freely that cost this much?  That I’m still paying for?

 

DISCOVERY

dis·cov·er·y
dəˈskəv(ə)rē/
the process of learning something that was not known before, or of finding someone or something that was missing or hidden
something that is found, or something new that is learned

 

Discovery is such a good thing.  When we can discover things about other people it’s a great thing but when we discover things about ourselves, it’s even better.  I decided to initiate conversation with my “friend” just to say hello and see how he was doing.  I got a response which is always good.  But in telling him he was missed, I got a lazy response in return.  It made me wonder, what am I doing here?  Why did I get that lazy response?  And that started the thoughts of inadequacies.  Also the thoughts why not me?  Why wasn’t I the one who lived the life of Riley?  Why didn’t I meet the man of my dreams in college and now we are living in happiness, with the white picket fence and the 2.5 children.  It got to the point where I started to depress myself and I was headed to an event that I was excited to attend.  But here I was allowing my thoughts to take over me.  And the feelings of joy I was experiencing turned to sadness and sorrow.  Luckily, I snapped out of it and enjoyed my day.  And I didn’t return to that wallowing sadness.

Discovery, a wonderful thing for our continued growth.  I started watching a show I have come to love I Netflix.  And I love the main character.  His presence, his voice, his acting is beautiful.  But I began to think of him as my lover and in these thoughts, I realized something about me.  I sexualize each man I come in contact with.  Rather it be an actor on TV, a co-worker, a stranger, even a minister (I should really be ashamed right!!!!)  But in thinking back to men I have come in contact with, I’ve in some way made it about sex.  I realized I don’t see men as people.  I see them as sexual objects.  WOW!!!  Could this be the reason I feel so inept at conversation with a male stranger?  Could this be why I have the hardest time keeping sex out of a relationship?  WOW!  What a realization to have!!  Immediately I am proud of me.  It’s something to realize something about yourself and want to fix it!  How can I begin to fix what has been 40 years in the making?

Discovery!! But how do I begin to see them as people.  I don’t know where to begin.  My life is half over but in a way, it has just begun.  The things we tell ourselves throughout life are designed to assist us with living and loving.  When we make discoveries and little nuggets about our attitudes, whether it be positive or negative, the discovery is just the beginning.  The real work begins after.  So I ask myself again, where do I begin?  My thought process has to change.  I once accused the Hallmark movie channel of selling pipe dreams in their movies about romance.  Love in TV never happens that way in real life.   But maybe it’s me that is guilty of believing in make believe more than I believe in what is REAL LIFE.  Yet another discovery.  What is the next step?  Shall I go back to every man I’ve known in life and let them know my mistake?  That I never saw him as a person, but as an object to be used or allowed to use me?

,All suggestions are welcomed…  This is not something I believe I can change in a day, it’s going to be a process.  Shall a now renounce my friend and even start over with him?  Perhaps my inadequacies I spoke of earlier is that I have perhaps kept myself from making a lasting true relationship because I believed I was the only person involved and the other, was a robot only there for me to control or try to control their view of me and who I am.  Tried to control their love, feelings, and how much they knew of me.  All of the bad things I kept hidden afraid to let it show.  So they only thought perhaps that I “thought” or “acted” as though I am perfect when in fact I am far from.  I am not and CANNOT be perfect for anyone, not even God.

Discovery…..the process of learning something that was not known before, or of finding someone or something that was missing or hidden.

There is a lot more to be found…. for as the archeologist of Teresa, I am only just beginning to get beneath the surface!

The World outside my window……

Right now I’m looking outside my window at work, barely able to concentrate on my the work that’s before me.  Why is that?  For one I FINALLY have a window in my office.   I think the biggest reason is because I’m BORED!  I enjoy what I do most days.  But today, is not one of them.  I am a vocational rehabilitation counselor and I assist persons with disabilities to find and maintain suitable employment.  I’ve had several consumers who have personally thanked me with flowers because they were able to go back to work and never thought they would be able.  But together we made it happen.  There are days that I reflect on those consumers and know that I’ve done something special.

Days like today though, I feel like a robot.  Just going through the motions of documentations, paperwork, and monotony.  Is there a deeper reason for my feeling of staleness?  Perhaps…. perhaps not.  I can’t be sure.  All I know is that life is like a loaf of bread.  When it’s fresh it’s the most outstanding thing.  You can butter it, toast it, use peanut butter and jelly, and it’s the flavor that keeps it going.  When it is allowed to sit and get stale, you just want to throw it away and buy a new loaf.  Let’s be realistic.  You can’t throw away your life and you surely can’t buy a new one.

So what do you do with stale bread…. you make bread pudding…and when it’s fresh from the oven, it’s heaven.  So with a stale life, you make the best of it.  You mix it up with something fresh and new.  Tell yourself that your life is still your own and it’s up to you to renew it everyday.  No matter how bored and monotonous life is, you still have today.  God woke us up this morning to do great things.  Find something great and get to doing it!!  He didn’t have to do it but he did.  We have to stop wishing for another life and start perking up the life we have.  Like Forest Gump said his mother told him.  “Life is like a box of chocolate.  You never know what you’re gonna get!”  So if you pull out coconut and you hate it take another.  Find that peanut cluster you love.  Find that chocolate covered cherry that soothes your soul.  And start appreciating each day as it comes!!!

*My quoted analogy to chocolate and life is not my own, taken from the movie “Forest Gump”

*Although I do take credit for the peanut cluster and cherry statement!

06/21/2016 TNB©

 

Dreams….Soulmates and things…..

I have been wanting to blog lately but I haven’t had a good topic to start with.  Then I said to myself I said “Self, what is it that has been on your mind lately”  I did not answer self but I did think about it.  I’ve been having dreams lately…. actually the last few years but here lately it’s been more frequent.  I’m dreaming of situations where I’ve found my soul mate.  The man who God meant for me and it’s always beautiful.  I can see him clearly.  The last one was dark-haired, white male.  Which I have absolutely no issue with that.  The one previous to that was blond.  But I’m wondering what it all means?

I know that some people think that dreams are silly and they don’t mean what you think they do.  Or it may be opposite of what you dreamed.  I’ve had dreams that have come to fruition and I’ve had some do the exact opposite.  So I’m no expert on dreams by any means.  But I do know that when I wake up from these dreams there is a feeling of disappointment and hurt.  The dreams are so real that when I wake, I almost want to cry because it’s not real.  I mean is that crazy?  I like to think that generally I am content with my life.  I don’t have anyone special as far as boyfriend or significant other.  I have a friend of whom I contact when I’m feeling some kind of way.  I enjoy his company and he mine.  But we are not “together”  So I won’t count him when I say boyfriend.  But right now I’m content as I said.  But then again, am I?  If I feel such soul crushing hurt and disappointment when I wake, am I really happy alone right now?

I still say yes!!  Because I feel like if it were meant for me to meet him, I would have met him already.  I knew my ex husband was not my forever, even before we married, but I was so afraid to be alone, as I am now, that I stayed with him.  That’s not to say he was a bad person.  He isn’t, but he was not for me.    But I am alone now and I’m okay with it.  I always think about dating and if I am ready to get into it again.  I’m not sure that I am.  It takes an energy to really get into and you will definitely meet some frogs before Prince Charming even comes into town.  Am I ready for that?  I don’t believe I am.

I don’t think God thinks I am ready.  I’m a firm believer that God gives you what you need when He deems you ready for it.  I am not sure He sees me as ready for the gift of my other half.  I’m not sure what I need to do to get ready either.  I think it’s a conversation He and I need to have.  I haven’t been praying fervently for it either.  I will be honest and say I don’t think I know how to date.  I don’t know how to approach it without introducing sex into the relationship to early.  So may be that is the hold up.  I haven’t learned that nugget yet.  So maybe that’s the hold up.

Maybe these men are not my forever, I have no idea, but when I wake up, it’s hard not to wish that they were.    But until I get the answer, I’m just gonna keep dreaming..……   🙂

06/17/2016 TNB©

Comfortable in my skin… Are you comfortable in yours?

04/20/

So, the discussion that I had in mind today is to talk about going it alone.  We all have friends and family that we enjoy spending time with.  Whether it be eating, shopping, movies…. all of these things we can enjoy with other people.  But what about enjoying them alone.  There was a time when you wouldn’t catch me doing anything by myself.  And I now know that the hesitation to anything alone came from lack of self esteem and the fear that I would stand out and judged as lonely or incapable of having someone wanting to spend time with me.  The first movie I ever went to see by myself was “The Cutting Edge”  I believe it was 1992.  I was in high school.  I really wanted to see this movie because I am such a sucker for romantic comedies.  But I knew no one else I knew would want to see it, so I sucked it up and went on my own and I loved it.  The movie and just the experience of going by myself.

Since then I have mastered the art of eating alone, shopping alone, and doing just about anything I want alone.  But there are still people out there that are not comfortable with it.  In some respects it’s about being comfortable in your own skin.  And also being able to enjoy your own company.  If you don’t enjoy you, how can you expect someone else too.

With the distractions out there, it’s more peaceful to partake in activities alone.  It definitely beats going to dinner with someone and they only have attention for their phones.  That is the most ignorant thing you can do to someone.  But we are a smartphone, Android, IPhone, social media eating world now.  So it’s to be expected that at least one person at the table will pull out their apparatus and start using it.

The only drawback to going to the movies alone is if you have to go to the bathroom, who’s gonna watch your popcorn and soda??  That’s then only thing I wish I could invent something for people to use in cases like this!  But this can be remedied as well.  Just go before the movie starts!!

The art of being comfortable with doing things alone, begins with loving the skin your in.   If we love our skin, the thoughts and criticism of others would not stop us from doing what we love.  That’s not to say that we don’t completely care, but why should we?  We were born in this world to be images of God.  To serve him and enjoy life in the mean time.  We put so much into what others think, that we forget that it doesn’t matter what they think.

Life is too short to worry about the small things in life.  We have to learn to get out there and enjoy life.  If that means taking in a matinee movie, do it.  If that means spending 3 hours in a book store reading and browsing, do it.  If it means enjoying lunch at a restaurant outside in the sunshine alone with a good book…. DO IT!  Don’t be afraid to enjoy the things you love just because you have to do them alone.

I’ve spent a lot of time worrying about what other people think about me.  I’ve spent a lot of time trying to please other people so I wouldn’t have to do without their company.  But did these things make me happy in the mean time, NO.  Because I wasn’t doing what fed my soul.  Grasping for the approval of others can rob you of the peace and serenity that the soul needs to survive.  In no way am I saying to be selfish.  But is it selfish to take care of you first?  Because if you haven’t taken care of you, how can you take care of anything or anyone else.  So take a chance walk out in your beauty and grace and love the skin you’re in.  Because if you don’t love it, how can you expect others to love it?

04/20/2016 TNB©

Dido: The complicated

I would like to give my review of Dido’s greatest hits.  Now let me be clear.  I’ve only listened to about half the cd but that is because the first half of the CD is so good!  It’s great!  First let me delve into the music the background instruments and such.  She has very catchy tunes so that helps someone like me to really get into the lyrics.  If I can bob my head or get caught up in the music, that makes it all the better for the lyrics.  One thing about me is that I am a self proclaimed band nerd!  I love all things symphonic, orchestry(is that a word, I’m guessing not by the red underline but this is my blog so what the hell….it’s staying!!) and instrumental.  Without that, my mind may wonder in the middle of the lyrics.  Now let’s get on the lyrics for a second.

The first song is “Here with me”  She is singing about her lover leaving, and leaving her behind.  But she is determined that she is what she is and does what she wants, but she will not be ok until he is resting next to her.  She is exposing the weakness of needing him to be with her in order to rest, sleep, feel herself.  In the second verse she says she doesn’t want to call her friends because they may wake her from this dream.  The fear that they will tell her that she has to be without her drug.  Because that’s what he sounds like to her.  She cannot breath, be, live without this person. That’s deep… but is that good?  See what I mean, Dido has you thinking all kinds of perfect worlds.

Let me skip to “Hunter” that is number 3.  Now when I first heard this song, it took me back to 2009 when I was at that point in my marriage.  And only because I wanted to get out of that nightmare I created.  I say I created because I got into it knowing the dangers, but that’s a blog for another day.  Back to Hunter.  She talks about coming home to someone she no longer wants to be with.  She describes him as King on his throne who thinks he owns her.   She wants to hunt again, she wants to take a chance on life, her own chance.  I don’t think he’s a getting it though because she doesn’t know how to tell him.  She just continues to live as if she were alone… “Oh look what the cat drug in”  That’s usually a line used by women to men right?  She asked him to let her go, let her leave.  The crown is heavy that he’s placed upon her head.  He’s claimed her for his queen but she is NOT ready to wear that crown.  She is feeling restless wanting to see the world.  I empathize with her on this song because sometimes you get to that point when you realize this is not the life you had in mind and you want to be free!  But is it so easy?  Dido sure made it seems so.  “Let me go, let me leave!!”  #Message

The next song I want to hit on is “Life for Rent”  And dog on it if just about all these songs have hit on feelings I’ve had or have at this point in my life.  “I haven’t really found a place that I call home. I never stick around to quite make it.”  The ramblings of a rambler!  Sometimes you just feel like you’re drifting in life. Not going anywhere, not anchored to anything.  Or is that just me?  The chorus is what really struck me when I first heard this song.  I felt a kindred spirit in those lyrics.  “If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy, well I desire nothing more than I get cause nothing I have is truly mine”  The only thing that is truly mine is my car….. doesn’t that speak volumes.  Some of us don’t want to be tied down.  Even though we go nowhere daily, we still have that option to GO…. where who knows.  But the option is there.  Our lives are for rent.  The best open space we’ll put money on and stay but only for a short time like the ramblers we are.  The way she begins the second verse always hit me right in the heart because I’ve had that EXACT thought here recently… A LOT!!!!!  “I always thought that I would love to live the sea, to travel the world alone and live more simply.  I have no idea what’s happened to that dream, but there’s nothing left here to stop me.  It’s just a thought, only a thought”  There’s nothing stopping her nothing at all but herself because then she ends it by saying it’s just a thought, only a thought, not reality.  Which you can make it a reality, your life is for rent… you’re not buying it!  A person can also look at this song as a tribute to the fact that we are only in this life for a short time.  IT’s borrowed time, it’s a lease of time.  The break though is the shiznit of this song.  “While my heart is a shield and I won’t let it down.  While I am so afraid to fail so I won’t even try. Well how can I say I’m alive?”  And that is the gist of this song. It’s not really about rent… it’s about taking a chance to do something lasting.  To do what you dream and not worry about the consequences.  But we’re so afraid to do that.  Sometimes I think we’re afraid to succeed and actually LIVE!!!

“Don’t believe in love”  The intro tells you what she wants, straight no chaser.  She is exercising her freedom to have a lover, but she doesn’t want him around in the morning.  I mean aren’t we free lovers these days…or used to be?  She doesn’t want to turn this into something meaningful because of fear.  I get that.  I REALLY REALLY do!  But to have a sign to tell him he’s overstayed his time…. OUCH!    But at a point you can feel the apprehension on her ” the second I feel your safe hand reaching out for mine. I slip away and out of sight, you’ve over stayed your time.”  Haven’t we all had that moment where we think YES this is it… I’ve finally found him, home, her, love…. only to be disappointed.  As the chorus starts “If I don’t believe in love nothing is good for me. If I don’t believe in love nothing is real for me If I don’t believe nothing is new for me!”  SO how about I don’t believe in it, get my rocks off and you can go home or I can walk out the door with no attachments, hence the friends with benefits.  But who does it benefit when we’re in it because we don’t want to be hurt? *sighs*  If only it were that easy!

Now the song that contradicts the previous songs… “White Flag”  In this song she is declaring her undying devotion to someone.  Yes Dido, undying devotion!!  She I still in love and refuses to give up.  I will go down with ship, I will put my hand up and surrender.  There will be no white flag above her door I’m in love and always will be. She obviously left him in “Hunter” but wants to come back and prove her love to him.  She left destruction in the mist, but wants him to know that she is still in love and will not give.  She is for real this time!  Should he believe her???  Would you?  In the break she say “And when we meet, Which I’m sure we will. All that was there, will be there still. I’ll let it pass and hold my tongue and you will think That I’ve moved on….”  Sorry sir, you’re going to see me and relive all the joy and pain I caused you.  I’ll let you think I’ve moved on, but I’m still here, still in love.  Oh Dido…. so like a dude in this song!  Wanted only his body, realized she loves him and now wants him to forget.  *Shakes my head*  And he probably will!

So there it is my review of some of Dido’s songs.  I just love her though because she is not afraid to express her thoughts in whatever they may be!!  Please comment below!!  ©TNB

 

NEW

Let me say I have always wanted to start my own blog and I appreciate WordPress being available to help me get started!!  I’m new to bloggin, but definitely not new to talking and discussing issues past and current!  I love to get other people’s opinion on things as well as stating my own opinion.  We are not all going to agree and that’s ok.  WE must realize that it’s ok to agree to disagree because just like our looks, our thoughts differ as well.  This stems from our background, how we were raised, and how we choose to live.  SO please feel welcome to comment on anything I post with your thoughts and feelings.  Always approach each other with respect and an open mind.  Although this blog is not here to change any minds, it is here to help people look outside the box and connect with others who may or may not follow our train of thought and purpose!! ©TNB