“Sometimes you have to torture yourself with the truth in order to move forward. It may sting, but it’s always for the best!” ©TNB
Quite a statement and seems hurtful and would cause a lot of pain, but it is something that must be done. When you find your life comes to this point, nothing to be done but make changes. Being used is never a good feeling. But when you are participating in it and freely giving of yourself, you would think the pain would lessen in the end. But it doesn’t. Oh believe me, it doesn’t. When we think we are doing ourselves a favor, most of the time we’re not. If you must have that conversation with yourself to prove that it’s not going to affect you…much… well then you should know, it’s going to affect you in a HUGE way.
I let him off the hook. He hurt me, which I didn’t think he could do, and then I let him off the hook. He said he was sorry, afraid of losing what we had. Afraid to let me go, and wonders if he made a mistake. The words were said with just enough sugar to temp me to take a little nip of the short end of the stick he was feeding me. But instead of seeing the short end for what it was, I thought I was getting the longer piece. The piece that after being with me would roll over to my side of the garden. But appearances are more important. It’s just that he does not know how to choose the differences that are me. See the continuous bullshit I feed myself. It’s not that… he takes her out, they have dinner, meet with friends….. but I never left the house… oh wait except the backyard………
I’m the dirty little secret who never knew my true name. Secret, that’s it. It’s not that he missed ME, just missed what I provided for him. That release, that he craved and only I could give. There was no strings of emotions that tied him to me. It was all in my head, all in my dreams. So why the quote at the beginning? Because I revisit pictures of him and her to remind myself to give it up. To stop thinking I had control when I didn’t even have a kernel’s worth. I don’t have control over the feelings of inadequacy that fall over me. It seems to be a pattern with me. My company is never what is wanted, it is more of my ASS-ets. Is it my fault? What am I projecting that sends these pheromones to the attached? I can never figure it out. It’s obviously something that I have done in a former life maybe? Or maybe that’s all they think I’m worth. I’m worth MORE….. right?
At work a couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with a coworker. She is a published writer and she told me about some of her stories. I then let her in on my secret, that I am a writer as well. I have several stories I’ve started but none finished. I gave her some background into a couple of the stories I’ve started. She was very interested and wanted to how the stories end. So there is my motivation to get back to my writing. I haven’t been diligent as I’ve been in the past. I don’t know if my focus is off or if I’m just mentally tired. I work two jobs and it doesn’t give me a lot of creative time. Yet, it does. I’m at my second job right now 5:07 am and I am writing in this blog. Why am I not working on my stories?? That’s it isn’t… the motivation, the drive I’ve been looking for. I’ve finally added to the last scene of the first novel, at least I have in my head.
My next feat will be to add to the actual story. Time and chance, chance and time. I’ve got to get moving. My thought process is slowly coming back to life. I thought it was deadened because of my constant working. But I don’t think it’s dead, may have needed to hear someone else’s creative joy in order to awake. I certainly appreciate that conversation not only because it awaken ideas, but also reminded me of why I write. Not to just expend energy, or to practice my typing, but to set free the stories that live in my head! They deserve to be heard!
Life is not a fairy tale. How often have you heard that sentence? I know I’ve heard it enough to recite it in another language. French “La vie n’est pas un conte de fees” or “Livet er ikke et eventyr” in Danish. But if this is true, why do I keep dreaming of the fairy tale? The prince charming that sweeps me off my feet with his sweetness, his gentlemanly ways, his laugh that touches my soul? If it doesn’t exist, why do I still want it? Am I the only one who still dreams? I’ve had so many fantasies, so many so that I write a story to go with each. Or rather I think of stories, they don’t always end up on paper or a computer screen. But they are still in my mind. Why can’t I purge them from my heart?
If the “fairy tale” doesn’t exist, why does it seem like some people are living it? The white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, and beautifully manicured dog. I’ve seen it in person. I think about back when I was in college. I wanted a relationship true, but I was also enjoying my freedom at the same time. My last relationship in college was with a young man who was younger than me. But he was sweet, a gentleman, and he cherished me. He did beautiful things that may seem small to others, but was very loving to me. I remember when I broke up with him, I just wanted my freedom. Me and the girls had been traveling to different colleges meeting all kinds of people. I felt like that was living! But I remember telling him that I wanted to be free, that he was a great guy and he was going to find someone that would really love him. I hurt him because it came from nowhere. But I told myself that he would be OK, he was young and would get over me. But now that I look back, sometimes I wish I had rode that relationship to see where it would have taken us. It’s all in the living though isn’t it? We learn from our daily movements and decisions. Or we hope that we do.
But back to my fairy tale…….. I digress……. There are days that I am completely comfortable with my life and the way it is going. I work a lot true, but at the same time I get an enjoyment from working and paying bills. That’s what adults do. I even purchased a new vehicle as a way to reward me in my hard work. But then there are days when I’ve watch a YouTube couple that I wonder where is my prince? Did I lose him the early days only to find that I am not worthy in this life to be gifted another? Will the universe punish me for my misdeeds with Mr. C or Mr. W? Am I one of those women that are destined to be alone and be a aunt to everyone’s kids, see others living their fairy tale? I guess you can say I have refocused my energy on working and taking care of myself. And I am eternally grateful for my family. But the question remains if I was supposed to have a family, why hasn’t it happened? And maybe it is because I’ve crossed over the 40 year mark that am starting the grieving process of living without children.
Whatever the line, I’m still wondering about that fairy tale. Will I ever get it? Will I dream up a 6’5 defensive end/line body type and he magically appear to me? Probably not…. but I know the key to the lock is to just live. LIVE! Live everyday and continue with my life as it is and move in which ever direction it takes me. I am often afraid to move sometimes. I’m afraid to move my feet and sway with the wind. But in order to grow and make sure I am in place for my prince to find me, I must find a way to swallow my fear of swaying in the wind and let lead me to my destiny.
So I came to work looking a bit different. Got my hair braided. I love it for one, it looks good, but also I don’t have to get up in the morning and do it!! But a co-worker told me that I looked like “Rainbow Brite”. Now she was smiling when she said it. But I didn’t feel like it was a compliment. To me it sounded like a backhand compliment. “Correspondingly, a backhanded (or left-handed)compliment, or asteism, is an insult that is disguised as, or accompanied by, a compliment, especially in situations where the belittling or condescension is intentional.” (Wikipedia) I mean because if you like something someone is wearing or if you like their hair, you just say “Hey that’s cute” or “Hey I like that” But it was not said in that manner. So it makes me wonder…. why is it so hard for women to compliment each other without the insult? I could divide women and say black women, but I think it’s ALL women. Yes the co-worker is black. So that makes it even more of an insult.
Woman have insulted or plain hated each other for sometimes no reason. I’ve seen a female dislike another female on sight. And she never said a word. The instant dislike was there. Why is that? Are we in constant competition with each other? I would think not. There are things that people have that I want nothing to do with. But some others may feel there an invisible competition. It may be for most popular at work, for best dressed, for a male’s or even female’s attention! (I’m all for PC on my blog!!) But whatever the reason is…. women are always in competition with each other. It hurts to see how we tear each other down constantly. Most times it means that this woman has a quality that you wished you possessed. Instead of working on it for yourself, you dislike her.
What would happen if we looked at each other as allies instead of enemies? How much further would women be in this world? If we stood together and loved each other. You don’t even have to know a person to love them. Not with God’s love…. God’s love is unconditional and lasting. Just be friendly, just smile, just say hello! Or perhaps tell that young woman her hair is gorgeous, or that she looks awesome in that dress. Try complimenting another woman just because. She will either smile and thank you or look at you strange. But either way, you’ve express something positive to someone else. In the grand scheme of things, what could be wrong with that?????