My beautiful Benedict!
At the crux of it, we all want to find unconditional love. We want to give unconditional love and know that we are receiving the best in return. So much so that we open ourselves up to the dangers of dishonesty, unauthentic people, and a hurt so powerful, once it’s gone through your body, you feel numb to anything. Even a drink of water cannot be felt in your dried soul.
The recent events in my life have shown me one thing. I talk a good game, but my follow through is still 1998. I recently met someone that I thought was made just for me. Although it was short, the time we knew each other, my whole heart was ready for him. He told me of his life past, present, and what he saw for the future. He talked to me like he knew me. Like he was already a part of my present and destined to be my future. His nature was sweet, he was intelligent, and generous. His looks were so far away from what I’d imagined, I knew that this had to be the man that God fashioned for me. ONLY for me. The more I talked to him, heard his voice, I could hear it when I first woke in the morning, even though it was just a text. A screen of words, I knew him, I heard him. A German prince had come to sweep me away. Away from the job that burns me out, the state that has grown old, away from my own head, which was focused on finding him.
But to learn that it was just a fantasy conjured up from a liar, and manipulator, was too much to bear. When I found out I had been lied to, was being prepped to be used, it was as though I could not bear the thought of moving past that moment. I did not know how the next 24 hours would continue to move. How was the sun going to rise and the world go on and I’m stuck in this bubble of hurt? The desperate need to be filled with love from him was such a revelation to me. Here I thought I had moved passed loving liars and eating dishonesty. I thought I had learned to only eat from the plate of truth. But in my own way I sold myself a pipe dream. It wasn’t filled with crack but it was filled with something worse….. expectation! What I expected and what was were two different things. But expectation colored my eyes. The rose colored glasses were purchased and on my face before I even knew I picked them up.
The numbness passed after I let it process. But what was left in it’s wake is a charred soul. It will take more than time to rebuild. Putting your all into expectation can be the death of your soul. The lesson to myself to kill expectation before it kills me. Can I do that? Am I ready for that? Buying one 2X4 at a time, nailing the shutters up, and re-creating my healed soul will not be easy. Why should it be? It’s sacred, something I forgot while allowing the expectation to romance me. This time it’s being built with another block of experience. A high rise that will take a God-fearing man to climb. So the lesson here is, don’t allow expectation to kill you or your dream. Catch it and let it fly away before it can contaminate your being!
Being that white supremacists always preferred hoods and masks, nothing really has changed. Instead of preferring white hoods, they prefer white lies. The white, Klu Klux Klan hood, while still e…
I was listening to ESPN one weekend at work and the story was about Eric Kramer, a former pro-football player who attempted suicide. He survived, which is a testament to the fact that he is supposed to be here to tell his story. He suffered from depression for much of his life. Playing football and the head injuries were apart of that. And could have possibly made it worse. He lost his 18 year old son to a drug overdose and I’m sure that was difficult to process. He planned his death by writing letters to family members. He got a hotel room and shot himself. To be a part of his family and know that he wanted to hurt himself I imagine had to be difficult.
He’s not the first and he’s not the only person who has thought about suicide or tried it. Have you? It’s a hurtful subject to deal with. I cannot imagine what goes through a person’s head to drive them to these thoughts. From what I’ve heard, people feel as though they have no other options left. They feel like their family would be better off without them. They think that the world would be a better place without them. They can’t see past their pain. To see that their family would be eternally hurt if they lost you. Your family, especially children, would blame themselves and wonder what they could have done to help you. They will forever keep that thought in their minds. So who’s life would be made better by killing yourself? NO ONES…. not even you OWN!
So have you ever thought about hurting yourself? Have you ever thought about ridding the world of you? I think we’ve all had the thought that maybe I’m not good enough to be here. Or at least wondered how people would react if we were no longer of this world. I know I’ve had that thought. Not because I think I’m a bad person or feel like the world would be better off without me, but because I wonder what my impact has been on people. You never know the impact you’ve had on someone.
But please if you have or have had friends that have thought attempted suicide or even thought about it, continue to check on them. Continue to show them what they mean to you. We never know what really lies behind a smile. It could be hurt and it could be a hurt so profound, that the smile cracks. But we have to pay attention to see the crack. Make sure the smile is genuine. It’s hard for some to ask for help, but we have to let them know we’re available for whatever they need.
Yesterday, I talked briefly about walking away from an unhealthy relationship, that if I’m being honest, I always knew deep down was some bullshit. It started off as a friendship, turned flirty, then became physical, and somehow I built a whole relationship in my head, on some bullshit. Yea, he contributed with empty promises, but who believed them after he continued to show me otherwise…
We never went on dates, we barely saw each other, and we only communicated when I reached out, but when I threatened to stop participating in the fauxlationship, he protested. That meant he cared, right?! Yes. He cared about himself.
And, he was winning. I was driving his ass around town, sleeping with him, and being his biggest fan. I wouldn’t want to lose all that either!
We did this for months. I accounted for him, to my friends and to myself. When I had…
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Goodbye summer, and hello fall.
Goodbye cycle one, and hello cycle two…
Yesterday, I talked my doctor into a pregnancy test on my blood work, because I was too impatient to wait 9 more days. I got the NEGATIVE news late last night and thought I was fine. This morning I was not fine. I was sad. It took me awhile to get here, to be ready. I feel like I’ve been in transition for far too long, and I’m ready, deserving, dare I say entitled to, a positive outcome.
I love new adventures and new chapters, but I hate the space we must move through to get to there. I don’t like transition. I don’t like the uncertainty and the anxiety that accompanies it. And as I moved through the day, I realized that I was transitioning out of a space that I love and into one I’m not…
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He said he loved me. He repeated it again… He loves me…. And again and again… He loves me. But now that I think about it, did he know what love was or a better question did I know what love was?
We met in 1996 through a computer screen. We connected through a computer screen. It was funny because it wasn’t what either of us were looking for. I often wondered if it were a gift from God to meet someone across states that I bonded with so easily and so tight. But after the end, I now wonder if it was the start of a nightmare that still has a stage and continues to play…..
He had me at hello. His face, not what I imagined his aura though, was just as glowing as I expected. Our first skin to skin contact…..When he pulled me to the side away from prying eyes and kissed me, I cannot describe the feeling of rightness, the “CLICK” that I heard as soon as his lips touched mine. God it was a eureka I cannot explain. He looked at me and I was home in his eyes. His lips the nourishment my soul craved. But maybe that was what he knew. He knew me, so he could pull me in tight. That night the first of many “Clicks” but also the first time I knew what it was like to vibe with someone. Be so in tuned to their words, that part of our enigmatic souls that we believe exist but just can’t grasp. He was that part of my soul and I grasp him tight. My name from his lips was beautiful, but his name for me…. “Tiger” harmonious bliss to my ears…….
20 years of knowing has equaled to nothing. I see his face and want to cry but yet I want to crawl inside of him and stay. Our love has ended if it was ever there to begin with. A lesson I’ve learned through this is just because you think you’ve found your soul-mate it doesn’t mean that it’s to be forever. I’ve heard that said before, but I didn’t believe it. I thought perhaps once he was found, love forever was inevitable. But apparently that’s only for some.
You see what really hurt, was that I thought we were friends…before our souls connected I saw friendship in him. One that I could be myself with laugh and cry with. He would start the convo… ” How are you physically? mentally? Spiritually?” I would ask the same and it would seem as if no time had past. It seemed that if something was wrong physically, mentally, spiritually, we could be that balm that soothed the trouble. But apparently, I was wrong on that score. So wrong that to even type the word friendship hurts. What did I give up so freely that cost this much? That I’m still paying for?
Discovery is such a good thing. When we can discover things about other people it’s a great thing but when we discover things about ourselves, it’s even better. I decided to initiate conversation with my “friend” just to say hello and see how he was doing. I got a response which is always good. But in telling him he was missed, I got a lazy response in return. It made me wonder, what am I doing here? Why did I get that lazy response? And that started the thoughts of inadequacies. Also the thoughts why not me? Why wasn’t I the one who lived the life of Riley? Why didn’t I meet the man of my dreams in college and now we are living in happiness, with the white picket fence and the 2.5 children. It got to the point where I started to depress myself and I was headed to an event that I was excited to attend. But here I was allowing my thoughts to take over me. And the feelings of joy I was experiencing turned to sadness and sorrow. Luckily, I snapped out of it and enjoyed my day. And I didn’t return to that wallowing sadness.
Discovery, a wonderful thing for our continued growth. I started watching a show I have come to love I Netflix. And I love the main character. His presence, his voice, his acting is beautiful. But I began to think of him as my lover and in these thoughts, I realized something about me. I sexualize each man I come in contact with. Rather it be an actor on TV, a co-worker, a stranger, even a minister (I should really be ashamed right!!!!) But in thinking back to men I have come in contact with, I’ve in some way made it about sex. I realized I don’t see men as people. I see them as sexual objects. WOW!!! Could this be the reason I feel so inept at conversation with a male stranger? Could this be why I have the hardest time keeping sex out of a relationship? WOW! What a realization to have!! Immediately I am proud of me. It’s something to realize something about yourself and want to fix it! How can I begin to fix what has been 40 years in the making?
Discovery!! But how do I begin to see them as people. I don’t know where to begin. My life is half over but in a way, it has just begun. The things we tell ourselves throughout life are designed to assist us with living and loving. When we make discoveries and little nuggets about our attitudes, whether it be positive or negative, the discovery is just the beginning. The real work begins after. So I ask myself again, where do I begin? My thought process has to change. I once accused the Hallmark movie channel of selling pipe dreams in their movies about romance. Love in TV never happens that way in real life. But maybe it’s me that is guilty of believing in make believe more than I believe in what is REAL LIFE. Yet another discovery. What is the next step? Shall I go back to every man I’ve known in life and let them know my mistake? That I never saw him as a person, but as an object to be used or allowed to use me?
,All suggestions are welcomed… This is not something I believe I can change in a day, it’s going to be a process. Shall a now renounce my friend and even start over with him? Perhaps my inadequacies I spoke of earlier is that I have perhaps kept myself from making a lasting true relationship because I believed I was the only person involved and the other, was a robot only there for me to control or try to control their view of me and who I am. Tried to control their love, feelings, and how much they knew of me. All of the bad things I kept hidden afraid to let it show. So they only thought perhaps that I “thought” or “acted” as though I am perfect when in fact I am far from. I am not and CANNOT be perfect for anyone, not even God.
There is a lot more to be found…. for as the archeologist of Teresa, I am only just beginning to get beneath the surface!
Right now I’m looking outside my window at work, barely able to concentrate on my the work that’s before me. Why is that? For one I FINALLY have a window in my office. I think the biggest reason is because I’m BORED! I enjoy what I do most days. But today, is not one of them. I am a vocational rehabilitation counselor and I assist persons with disabilities to find and maintain suitable employment. I’ve had several consumers who have personally thanked me with flowers because they were able to go back to work and never thought they would be able. But together we made it happen. There are days that I reflect on those consumers and know that I’ve done something special.
Days like today though, I feel like a robot. Just going through the motions of documentations, paperwork, and monotony. Is there a deeper reason for my feeling of staleness? Perhaps…. perhaps not. I can’t be sure. All I know is that life is like a loaf of bread. When it’s fresh it’s the most outstanding thing. You can butter it, toast it, use peanut butter and jelly, and it’s the flavor that keeps it going. When it is allowed to sit and get stale, you just want to throw it away and buy a new loaf. Let’s be realistic. You can’t throw away your life and you surely can’t buy a new one.
So what do you do with stale bread…. you make bread pudding…and when it’s fresh from the oven, it’s heaven. So with a stale life, you make the best of it. You mix it up with something fresh and new. Tell yourself that your life is still your own and it’s up to you to renew it everyday. No matter how bored and monotonous life is, you still have today. God woke us up this morning to do great things. Find something great and get to doing it!! He didn’t have to do it but he did. We have to stop wishing for another life and start perking up the life we have. Like Forest Gump said his mother told him. “Life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what you’re gonna get!” So if you pull out coconut and you hate it take another. Find that peanut cluster you love. Find that chocolate covered cherry that soothes your soul. And start appreciating each day as it comes!!!
*My quoted analogy to chocolate and life is not my own, taken from the movie “Forest Gump”
*Although I do take credit for the peanut cluster and cherry statement!
I have been wanting to blog lately but I haven’t had a good topic to start with. Then I said to myself I said “Self, what is it that has been on your mind lately” I did not answer self but I did think about it. I’ve been having dreams lately…. actually the last few years but here lately it’s been more frequent. I’m dreaming of situations where I’ve found my soul mate. The man who God meant for me and it’s always beautiful. I can see him clearly. The last one was dark-haired, white male. Which I have absolutely no issue with that. The one previous to that was blond. But I’m wondering what it all means?
I know that some people think that dreams are silly and they don’t mean what you think they do. Or it may be opposite of what you dreamed. I’ve had dreams that have come to fruition and I’ve had some do the exact opposite. So I’m no expert on dreams by any means. But I do know that when I wake up from these dreams there is a feeling of disappointment and hurt. The dreams are so real that when I wake, I almost want to cry because it’s not real. I mean is that crazy? I like to think that generally I am content with my life. I don’t have anyone special as far as boyfriend or significant other. I have a friend of whom I contact when I’m feeling some kind of way. I enjoy his company and he mine. But we are not “together” So I won’t count him when I say boyfriend. But right now I’m content as I said. But then again, am I? If I feel such soul crushing hurt and disappointment when I wake, am I really happy alone right now?
I still say yes!! Because I feel like if it were meant for me to meet him, I would have met him already. I knew my ex husband was not my forever, even before we married, but I was so afraid to be alone, as I am now, that I stayed with him. That’s not to say he was a bad person. He isn’t, but he was not for me. But I am alone now and I’m okay with it. I always think about dating and if I am ready to get into it again. I’m not sure that I am. It takes an energy to really get into and you will definitely meet some frogs before Prince Charming even comes into town. Am I ready for that? I don’t believe I am.
I don’t think God thinks I am ready. I’m a firm believer that God gives you what you need when He deems you ready for it. I am not sure He sees me as ready for the gift of my other half. I’m not sure what I need to do to get ready either. I think it’s a conversation He and I need to have. I haven’t been praying fervently for it either. I will be honest and say I don’t think I know how to date. I don’t know how to approach it without introducing sex into the relationship to early. So may be that is the hold up. I haven’t learned that nugget yet. So maybe that’s the hold up.
Maybe these men are not my forever, I have no idea, but when I wake up, it’s hard not to wish that they were. But until I get the answer, I’m just gonna keep dreaming..…… 🙂